1659. Custom I had been as forward in as others, and this I was now called out of, and required to cease from.

Thefe, and many more evil Customs, which had sprung up in the Night of Darkness, and general Apoftacy from the TRUTH, and true RELIGION, were now by the Infhining of this pure Ray of divine Light in my Confcience, gradually discovered to me to be what I ought to ceafe from, fhun, and stand a Witness against.

But fo fubtilly, and withal fo powerfully did the Enemy work upon the weak Part in me, as to perfwade me that in these Things, I ought to make a Difference between my Father and all other Men; and that therefore, though I did disuse these Tokens of Refpect to others, yet I ought ftill to use them towards him, as he was my Father. And fo far did this Wile of his prevail upon me, through a Fear left I fhould do amifs, in withdrawing any Sort of Respect or Honour from my Father, which was due unto him, that being thereby beguiled, I continued for a while to demean myself in the fame manner towards him, with refpect both to Language and Gefture, as I had always done before. And fo long as I did fo (standing bare before him, and giving him the accustomed Language) he did not exprefs, whatever he thought, any Dislike of me.

But as to myself, and the Work begun in me, I found it was not enough for me to cease to do Evil; though that was a good and a great Step. I had another Leffon before me, which

was

was, to learn to do well; which I could by no 1659. means do, till I had given up, with full Purpose of Mind, to ceafe from doing Evil. And when I had done that, the Enemy took Advantage of my Weakness to mislead me again.

For whereas I ought to have waited in the Light, for Direction and Guidance into and in the Way of Well-doing, and not to have moved till the divine Spirit (a Manifeftation of which the Lord has been pleased to give unto me, for me to profit with, or by) the Enemy transforming himself into the Appearance of an Angel of Light, offered himself in that Appearance, to be my Guide and Leader into the Performance of religious Exercises. And I, not then knowing the Wiles of Satan, and being eager to be doing fome acceptable Service to God, too readily yielded myself to the Conduct of my Enemy, inftead of my Friend.

He thereupon humouring the Warmth and Zeal of my Spirit, put me upon religious Performances in my own Will, in my own Time, and in my own Strength; which in themselves were good, and would have been profitable unto me, and acceptable unto the Lord, if they had been performed in His Will, in His Time, and in the Ability which He gives. But being wrought in the Will of Man, and at the prompting of the evil One, no wonder that it did me Hurt instead of Good.

I read abundantly in the BIBLE, and would fet myself Tasks in reading; enjoyning myself to read fo many Chapters, fometimes an whole

Book,

1659. Book, or long Epiftle, at a Time. And I thought that Time well fpent, though I was not much the wiser for what I had read, reading it too curforily, and without the true Guide, the Holy Spirit, which alone could open the Understanding, and give the true Senfe of what

was read.

I prayed often, and drew out my Prayers to a great Length; and appointed unto myself certain fet Times to pray at, and a certain Number of Prayers to fay in a Day; yet knew not, mean while, what true Prayer was. Which ftands not in Words, though the Words which are uttered in the Movings of the Holy Spirit, are very available; but in the breathing of the Soul to the heavenly Father, through the Operation of the Holy Spirit, who maketh Interceffion fometimes in Words, and fometimes with Sighs and Groans only, which the Lord vouchfafes to hear and answer.

This Will-worship, which all is, that is performed in the Will of Man, and not in the Movings of the Holy Spirit, was a great Hurt to me, and Hinderance of my spiritual Growth in the Way of Truth. But my heavenly Father, who knew the Sincerity of my Soul to Him, and the hearty Defire I had to ferve Him, had Compaffion on me; and in due Time was graciously pleased to illuminate my Understanding farther, and to open in me an Eye to difcern the falle Spirit, and its Way of working, from the true; and to reject the former, and cleave to the latter.

But

But though the Enemy had by his Subtilty, 1659. gain'd fuch Advantages over me, yet I went on. notwithstanding, and firmly perfifted in my godly Refolution of ceafing from, and denying thofe Things which I was now convinced in my Confcience were evil. And on this Account a great Trial came quickly on me. For the general Quarter-Seffions for the Peace coming on, my Father, willing to excufe himself from a dirty Journey, commanded me to get up betimes and go to Oxford, and deliver in the Recognizances he had taken; and bring him an Account what Juftices were on the Bench, and what principal Pleas were before 'em; which he knew I knew how to do, having often attended him on thofe Services.

I, who knew how it ftood with me better than he did, felt a Weight come over me as foon as he had spoke the Word. For I presently faw it would bring a very great Exercise upon me. But having never refifted his Will in any Thing that was lawful, as this was, I attempted not to make any Excufe, but ordering an Horfe to be ready for me early in the Morning, I went to Bed, having great Struglings in my Breaft.

For the Enemy came in upon me like a Flood, and fet many Difficulties before me, fwelling them up to the highest Pitch, by representing them as Mountains which I fhould never be able to get over; and, alas! that Faith which could remove fuch Mountains, and caft

them

1659. them into the Sea, was but very fmall and weak in me.

He caft into my Mind, not only how I fhould behave myself in Court, and dispatch the Bufinefs I was fent about; but how I fhould demean myself towards my Acquaintance, of which I had many in that City, with whom I was wont to be jolly; whereas now I could not put off my Hat, nor bow to any of them, nor give them their honorary Titles (as they are called) nor use the corrupt Language of You to any one of them, but must keep to the plain and true Language of Thou and Thee.

Much of this Nature revolved in my Mind, thrown in by the Enemy to difcourage and caft me down. And I had none to have Recourfe to for Counfel or Help, but the Lord alone. To whom therefore I poured forth my Supplications, with earneft Cries and Breathings of Soul, that HE, in whom all Power was, would enable me to go through this great Exercise, and keep me faithful to Himself therein. And after fome Time, He was pleased to compose my Mind to Stilnefs, and I went to Reft.

Early next Morning I got up, and found my Spirit pretty calm and quiet, yet not without a Fear upon me, left I fhould flip and let fall the Teftimony which I had to bear. And as I rode, a frequent Cry ran through me to the Lord, on this wife; O my God, preferve me faithful, whatever befals me! Suffer me not to be

drawn