SCENE II.

The Steward's Room.

ITEM and GRIME meeting.

Item. [Eagerly.] My dear Grime, I am glad you are come. Well, is the deed prepared?

Grime. Ready for sealing. Mr Mordent never examines what he signs; he trusts all to you.

Item. We cannot be too safe. But, this other affair? this Joanna? What have you done? Have you decoyed her to Mrs Enfield's?"

Grime. Really, Mr Item, she is so fine a creature, that, when I consigned her over, I am not a true Christian if I did not feel such a twinge here!—

Item. Curse your twinges! Is she safe? Did she suspect nothing?

Grime. No, no; the poor innocent blessed herself, to think what a kind protectress Providence had sent her.

Item. [Joy.] That is well! That is well!

Grime. But I do not yet understand why you should seek the ruin of this lovely creature?

Item. I? You mistake: 'tis Mr Mordent !

Grime. What, wish destruction to his child?

Item. No, no.

We neither of us seek her harm,

but our own safety. Grime. Which way ?

Item. He has various tormentors; his wife, or rather her proud relations, are among the chief; and he dreads they should come to the knowledge of this secret. But his strongest terror is of being detected in having for years disowned a child, who, if now produced, would be his everlasting disgrace.

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Grime. Then he does not know that his daughter is now in the house of Mrs Enfield?

Item. Not a word. His plan, for the present, is to settle her in some profession; for this he will bestow a thousand pounds, which, ha! ha! ha! I am to expend.

Grime. [Significantly.] Or keep?

Item. [Aside] Plague! I have said too much. Grime. [Aside.] Oh, ho! A thousand pounds? Item. That-that, my dear Grime, would be a paltry motive.

Grime. [Aside.] I'll have my share!

Item. Mr Mordent has been all his life squandering, like a blockhead, what I have been prudently picking up.

Grime. And pretty pickings you have had, Mr -Item!

Item. [Exulting] I have him in the toils! Interest accumulating upon interest, and all in arrear. I can foreclose upon him when I please, for all except the Berkshire estate; and, by this second mortgage, agreeably to the deed you have brought, equity of redemption will be forfeited, and that, as well as the rest, will then be mine.

Grime If he had but signed and sealed-
Item. Which he shall do this very day.

Grime. Still, why are you the enemy of Joanna?
What have you to tear from her?

Item. Much! Very much! An action of recovery!

Grime. How so? She has no title-she is illegiti

mate!

Item. Would she were! No, no; a lawful daughter, born in wedlock; her mother poor, but virtuous, and died in childbed. Fearful it should injure his second marriage with Lady Anne, he never produced the infant, but told his man, Donald, it was a natural

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daughter, and, by his intermission, secretly maintain. ed, and had her educated.

Grime. Why not employ the same agent still?

Item. Because this Donald has got the fool's disease, pity, and threatens to make Mordent own his daughter, or impeach.

Grime. And it was prudent to place her beyond Donald's knowledge?

Item. It was.

Grime. Ha! 'Tis a strange world! Well, now, Mr Item, give me leave to say a word or two on my own affairs.

Item. To be sure, my dear friend! Speak, and spare not.

Grime. There is the thousand pounds you mentioned.

Item. [Aside.] Hem!

Grime. Then the premium on this mortgage-In short, Mr Item, I do all your business, stand in your shoes

Item. You are my right hand, the apple of my eye!
Grime. Ay, but-

Item. The dearest friend I have on earth!
Grime. The division of profits-

Item. Don't mention it. Am not I your friend? I shall not live for ever.

Grime. No, nor I neither.

FriendshipItem. Don't think of it. You can't distrust me! The first and best friend you ever had!

Grime. Fine words

Item. [Evading.] Yonder is my nephew. [Calls.] Clement !

Enter CLEMent.

Clem. Sir.

Item. Fetch the title deeds of the Berkshire estate from my good friend Mr Grime's.

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Grime. Well, but

Item. Any time, to-day.

Clem. Very well, sir.

Grime. Once again, Mr Item

Item. And, Clement!

Grime. I say, the division

Item. [Listens.] Hark! I hear Mr Mordent! Grime. [Aside.] It shall not pass off thus. I begin to know you!

Item. I would not have you seen just now-My dear Grime! My kind friend! Through this door. Some other opportunity! Pray oblige me!

Grime. Well, well-[Aside.] The next time we meet, you shall know more of my mind.

[Exit GRIME. Item. [Angry.] The rascal begins to grow troublesome!-Take care of the steps, good Mr Grime! [Follows.

Enter MORDENT.

Mor. What is life? A continual cloud; pregnant with mischief, malignity, disease, and death. Happiness? An ignis fatuus. Pleasure? A non-entity. Existence? A misfortune, a burden. None but fools condescend to live. Men exert their whole faculties to torture one another. Animals are the prey of animals. Flowers bloom to be plucked and perish. The very grass grows to be torn and eaten trees to be mangled, sawed, rooted up, and burned. The whole is a system of exquisite misery, and I have my full proportion!-Oh! this girl! Why am I thus perturbed concerning her? She can but be wretched; and wretchedness is the certain fate of all!

Enter ITEM.

Well, my good Mr Item, this poor Joanna! What have you done? Can you secure her happiness? Pshaw! = Fool! Can you lighten her misery? I can think of

nothing but her, though distraction is in every thought!

Item. 'Tis a serious affair: very serious-you ought to do nothing lightly.

Mor. Turned adrift, rejected of all, no relation, no friend, never acknowledged, never!

Item. My advice, you know, sir, was at once boldly to produce her, as your daughter. No matter for the impertinent clamours and questions of who her mother was, and what became of her; why the child was never owned; where she had been concealed, and for what purposes.

Mor. Ay, ay, ay! The malignant sneers of friends, the cutting calumny of enemies, the reproaches of Lady Anne, the insults of her pompous proud family! Item. For my part, I obey your commands, but I cannot approve them.

Mor. My late ward, Mr Cheveril, should he hear of it, what would he think?-Then this Berkshire mortgage!

Item. Ay, there again! Totally opposite to my advice.

Mor. Can you show me any other possible way of paying my debts?

Item. The danger of signing it is extreme!
Mor. 'Tis ruin!

Item. Young Cheveril, I own, has demands.
Mor. Which must be paid.

Item. Then the out-standing bills-tradesmen are provokingly insolent!

Mor. Ay, ay! They, like the rest, have their appointed office of torture!

Item. Well, remember, I have given you ing.

fair warn

Mor. Certainly! You do your part, and with the best intentions; goad, and sting, and add your quantum to the sum of suffering! The consistency of evil is amazing! good and bad, all concur!-Is the deed ready?