Mr. Robinson. Worse and worse! If the author has quizzed, calumniated, or in any way misrepresented other people, he ought to be responsible-eh, Brown?

Mr. Brown. I agree with every word you have said.

ish enough to fondle it. It should be observed, [here Mr. Smith read very slowly and with great emphasis,] that persons who fix their affections on this animal, have generally held up their hearts to auction, and, finding no bidder, have sought from quadrupeds that appreciation which the

Mr. Smith. I obey. Perhaps, however, I had better just give you a general outline, so that you will feel the more interest in the characters as they appear. There are two elopements, six sudden deaths, four suicides, one marriage, and one divorce. The plot originates in politics and evolves itself by love. Those who die are decently interred, and the survivors inherit large fortunes and retire to live in the country.

Miss Smith. Well-there-do begin. Nothing weakens the interest so much as to let one know the drift of the story before hand.

Mr. Smith. To begin, then: the volume is entitled "The Heart turned Inside Out, or The Mixture of Motives: by a Member of Parliament." It is divided into twelve chapters, each chapter distinguished by a title indicative of the principal matter therein treated of. Chapter the first [looks Miss Smith provokingly in the face] is called "The Lap-dog."

[Miss Smith bridles, and embraces Dorabella, Miss Jones smiles, Miss Lydia Jones giggles, Mrs. Brown flirts her fan, and Mr. Brown goes to sleep.]

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Mr. Smith (reads). Chap. I. The Lap-dog. Singular as it may seem to the superficial reader, the insignificant animal mentioned at the head of this chapter has exercised an all-powerful influence on my destiny. And as my own case may not be a singular one, I shall, before coming to my complaint against this particular lap-dog, say a few words on the subject of lap-dogs in general.

"This odious race of quadrupeds may claim our attention on one ground—namely, that it possesses no single quality for which the canine species generally is valued. The lap-dog is neither noble, like the Newfoundland; nor faithful, like the spaniel; nor sportive, like the hound; it has nor fidelity nor courage; and serves no purpose on earth save that of setting the whole family toge

hold-"

Miss Smith. I shall endure this no longer. Can you find no one, Sir, but your own sister to treat in this manner before company? It is scandalous!

Mr. Smith. Why, my dear, I didn't write the book.

Miss Smith. How do I know that? I'm sure it's stupid enough for you to have written it.

Mrs. Brown. Oh, don't spoil our intellectual recreation. Skip the chapter on lap-dogs altogether.

Miss Jones and Miss Lydia Jones. Yes, pray begin the second chapter.

Mr. Smith. With all my heart: though you must remember that the author himself has told you that his whole destiny was influenced by the lap-dog in question. I'll just explain how. The author took the "dear little creature," belonging to his maiden aunt, the Lady Constantia Crumbletower, out skating with him. The weather was remarkably severe. The poor thing was up to the knees in snow all the way to the lake; and, arriving there, sprained its limbs most shockingly in en

deavouring to preserve its drawing-room dignity on the slippery flooring of the ice.

A violent cold and rheumatism was the consequence, which terminating in inflammatory fever, carried the "dear sufferer" off, after six days of unparalleled suffering, borne with more than canine resignation. Lady Constantia Crumbletower was, as may be conceived, inconsolable. She steadily refused to see the innocent cause of the calamity; and having altered her will, she sent her nephew word that feeling naturally superior to the low vindictiveness of cutting a nephew of hers "off with a shilling," she had determined on leaving him nothing at all. Her Ladyship added a hope that two good effects would result from this step: first, that her nephew would exert his talents for that fortune which he could no longer expect from her; second, that for the rest of his life, he would be considerate to those dumb animals domes

race.

Mr. Jones. In the name of all that's merciful, get on to the second chapter.

Mr. Smith. Here it is. "Chap. II. On Politics. If," says the author, "I am asked what chance Diogenes would have of finding his honest man at the present day, were he to appear, lantern in hand, ready for the search, I can conscientiously spare him the trouble of seeking through the political world. From the first canvass of a borough up to the formation of a cabinet, the 'mixture of motives,' however artfully compounded, is utterly fatal to the existence of honesty. I will trace my own political career, which is, I take it, as innocent as that of any public man can possibly be. "When I first stood for the borough of

I

I did so on liberal principles, not because I myself entertained those principles, nor because the Government professed those principles, but because it appeared to me that 'purity of election' was a much cheaper safe-conduct to Parliament than 'bribery and corruption.' Accordingly, I placed myself in communication with the leading liberal of the borough-everything went on swimmingly-we dined liberally and spoke liberally, and on the day of election my constituents voted liberally. was returned at the head of the poll. It seemed to me that nothing could be more pleasant than all this. But surgit amari aliquid, is always the way in this world. I was not many days without finding my leading liberal a most expensive acquaintBut there was nothing to be done. He proved in black and white, that the charges were all necessary-that £6,000 was nothing for such a borough—that before the reform bill it would have cost £12,000 and (most significant hint!) he added, that a dissolution was talked of, and that unless the voters were handsomely dealt with, they could not be depended on for the next election. So, making the best of a bad bargain, I paid the fellow my £6,000."

ance.

Mr. Robinson. It's a lie!

Mr. Brown (awaking). I agree with every word you have said.

Mrs. Brown. Oh, Mr. Robinson, how could you be guilty of such an interruption? And before ladies, too! I declare I am quite shocked at you.

Mr. Robinson. I beg pardon of the ladies; but it is too much for flesh and VOL. IX.-NO. 1.-JULY 1836.

Mr. Smith. Your motives and conduct! I am sure your name was not mentioned, nor can I see how any part of the narration can apply to you.

Mr. Robinson. Not apply to me! All the world knows the service I did to the cause, and I repeat that the borough would have cost 12,000l. before the passing of the reform bill. It was dirt cheap at 6,0007.

Mr. Jones. There's some mistake here. Go on to the next chapter, Smith. Pass over the politics.

Miss Lydia Jones. Do, pray, Mr. Smith. There must surely be something more interesting in the book than those odious politics.

Mr. Smith. I am all compliance. Robinson, I give you my word I knew nothing of your connection with borough politics. I am confoundedly unlucky in my lecture. Let us try the next chapter. Chapter III. "On Love."

[Great sensation among the ladies, excepting

Miss Smith, who gives a scornful look to her brother, and a tender hug to Dorabella.]

"Love," read Mr. Smith, "has been so often described, and always to so little purpose, that I fear I shall not be able to secure the attention of my readers to my own philosophical consideration of this subject. I therefore avail myself of an introductory sentence or so, from the works of a very great man, Lord Bacon. His lordship says, "You may observe that amongst all the great and worthy persons, whereof the memory remaineth, either ancient or recent, there is not one that hath been transported to the mad degree of love, which shows that great spirits and great business do keep out this weak passion. It is a poor saying of Epicurus, Satis magnum alter alteri theatrum sumus; as if a man, made for the contemplation of heaven, and all noble objects, should do nothing but kneel before a little idol, and make himself subject, though not of the mouth, as beasts are, yet of the eye, which was given him for higher purposes. As to other loves, the poet's relation doth well figure them; that he that preferred Helena quitted the gifts of Juno and Pallas; for, whoever esteemeth too much of amorous affection,

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C

quitteth both riches and wisdom. This passion hath its floods in the very times of weakness, which are great prosperity and great adversity, though this latter hath been less observed, both which times kindle love, and make it more fervent, and therefore show it to be the child of folly.' The great wisdom of these opinions will be further exemplified in the course of the present chapter, in which I hope to prove, to the satisfaction of every reasonable being, that never was there anything more destructive of the human heart than that poisonous 'mixed motive' influencing mankind under the name of love."

old men's nurses. proud and froward, as presuming upon the merit of their chastity. It is one of the best bonds, both of chastity and obedience, in the wife, if she think her husband wise.'"

Chaste women are often

Mr. Brown. I agree with every word you have said.

Mrs. Brown. Don't interrupt, if you please, my dear.

Mr. Smith (continues). "It is often seen that bad husbands have very good wives; whether it be that it raiseth the price of their husbands' kindness when it comes, or that the wives take a pride in

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Miss Smith. Well, I'm sure!
Miss Jones. Did you ever!
Miss Lydia Jones. Fiddlestick!

Mrs. Brown. I've no patience with such nonsense. I'm sure Lord Bacon was no

Mr. Jones. Well, ladies, what say you? No possible objection to this. The blessings, you observe the blessings of the marriage state!

Miss Smith. Read on, I pray you. I so long to get to the last chapter, and have done with this stupid book altogether.

Mr. Smith. I am hastening to the utmost of my power. The plot will thicken soon; then you will prepare for the catastrophe. (Reads). “Of the marriage state it may be confidently said that, but for the parties to the contract, great happiness would invariably be its result. As I have done in the preceding chapters, I shall now first lay down my principle, and then proceed to illustrate it by my story." You perceive, ladies and gentlemen, that by your impatience you have lost the important part of each chapter. "The great authority from whom I have already quoted on the subject of love, hath likewise left words of much wisdom on this same subject of marriage. 'Certainly,' says Lord Bacon, the best works, and of greatest merit for the public, have proceeded from the unmarried or childless men, which, both in affection and means, have married the public. Unmarried men are best friends, best masters, best servants. He was reputed one of the wise men that made answer to the question, when a man should marry? 'A young man not yet, an elder man not at all.' Wives are young men's mistresses, companions for middle age, and

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lived in a pig-stye.

I've heard that he was hanged for bribery at the Westminster election in Lord Cochrane's time. Was he not, Mr. Smith?

Mr. Smith. No, dear Madam, you mistake. But shall I go on with the story? Miss Smith. It's a vulgar story! Miss Jones. It's a stupid story! Miss Lydia Jones. It's no story at all!

(Enter Frank Clavering).

Frank. Hey-day, how's this? Studying German on the Hamiltonian system? You all look remarkably grave at your lesson.

Mrs. Brown. You mistake. We are attempting a little intellectual recreation. Smith has been reading some chapters from a new novel. We were just voting it horridly stupid. Look at it, and judge for yourself.

Frank (takes the book). So ho! The "Heart turned inside Out." I've heard of it-written, as you see, by an M.P.—high in office-seat in Cabinet-remarkably clever man-few such clever men left— not likely to be such clever men again in our generation- last of the Romansmustn't mention him.

Miss Jones. At all events, fix on some passages in his book which people can listen to without being tormented. Whoever your author is, he is no friend of our sex. Indeed, he is quite a wretch !

Miss Smith. A monster!
Miss Lydia Jones. An old fright!
Mr. Jones. He's a grumbler!
Mr. Robinson. A bad politician!

Mr. Smith. If you had been reading him aloud for an hour, you'd agree with me that he's a bore.

Mrs. Brown. Come, Mr. Clavering, open the volume at random, towards the end, and oblige us with something endurable.

Frank. Willingly. Here I have it. "Chapter XI. Resolve of an injured and desperate lover." Come, this promises well, at all events. (Reads). "The window of the room in which Charles now sate, overlooked the sea. The inn itself stood on a beetling rock, against which the sullen surges dashed as in anger, and then rolled back in murmurs. It was but a plunge, and all would be over! The thought no sooner flashed across his mind, than he sprung to the window, and-returned to take another look at those beloved characters, in which his cruel mistress had repelled his suit for ever. He gazed for awhile on the letter with looks of speechless agony, then exclaimed, Unfeeling Dorabella!'

Dorabella (jumping on Miss Smith's shoulder). Bow-wow-wow!

Miss Jones. How provoking!

Miss Lydia Jones. At such a moment, too, just as the story was becoming interesting.

Miss Smith. Really, Miss, I don't see that the poor thing is to blame. It is only natural to come when one's called.

Mr. Smith. Sister, unless the " poor thing," as you term it, keeps quiet, I shall ask Clavering to turn back to the chapter on lap-dogs. Resume the story, Frank, and you may as well drop the lady's name, or this noisy animal will let us have no peace.

Frank (reads). “Unfeeling woman! you shall have your worst wish fulfilled; but not in that eternal ocean will I seek oblivion. No, one of these mute instruments of death shall do thy bidding, and leave my

mangled corse a victim, in all men's eyes, of my unsurpassable love!' Here the impassioned youth groaned aloud, and taking up the pistols, one after the other, he examined their state and efficiency. Finding them in due order, he placed them on a table near the bell; and then, having taken a last look at the illimitable ocean, he closed the window, and returned to the table. He took up the fatal letter. He read it over and over again to himself; he then read it over and over again aloud. Then taking up a pistol in one hand, he, with the other, pulled the bell, and-told his servant to bring him a mutton chop and a pint of claret, and to lock up the pistols!'"

Miss Smith. So, I thought all his fine speech would come to nothing.

Miss Jones. What a selfish lover! Miss Lydia Jones. No real romance about him!

Mrs. Brown. Upon my conscience, a very sensible young man, to my thinking.

Mr. Jones. In that opinion I heartily concur. And now that Clavering has failed to please you by his extract from this novel, I presume we may as well give it up.

Mr. Robinson. Yes, and I vote we adjourn to the supper room.

Mr. Brown. I agree with every word you have said.

Mrs. Brown. Then to supper be it. I am quite charmed with our rational entertainment.

Miss Smith. Hem!
Miss Jones. Heigho!

Miss Lydia Jones. Oh, dear me !

[Exeunt. Mr. Jones leading Mrs. Brown, Mr. Robinson Miss Smith, Mr. Frank Clavering Miss Jones, Mr. Smith Miss Lydia Jones, and Mr. Brown bringing up the rear with Dorabella.]

WE left the shore with joy in our hearts, for the sun shone brightly, and the wind was fair. Joy, did I say? Yet there was a slight shade of sadness so blended with

it, that I am not certain it would have been so welcome without. As our vessel glided along, we watched the dancing waves as they rose, broke, foamed, and then died

away; and the sporting porpoises, too, as they gambolled in the foam beneath our bows. The wind grew fainter, and the dolphins swam close to the vessel. Occasionally a whale was seen to spout up water, and to raise its broad tail to the surface of the now tranquil ocean. At length the breeze wholly ceased, and all was still, save the flapping of the sails, that enemy of the sailor's speed. The scene was indeed changed, from the animation of the spraycrested wave to the grave undulation of the unexcited ocean.

There was on board our ship a gallant Admiral, confined to his berth with the gout. Great was the desire of all his shipmates, that he should witness the beauty of the scene, and enjoy the coolness of the closing day. But our entreaties were unavailing. He was too lame to ascend to the deck, where all but himself had assembled to listen to the song of one, young and beautiful, whose tones were subdued by a lingering disease, which, it was hoped, this voyage would, if not entirely remove, at least allay for a time, until she could return to her anxious parents, from whom she had been separated for nearly three years. The intense interest with which all listened while she sang, appeared sufficient proof that her voice was in perfect unison with the grey twilight, which was fast falling around. After the music, conversation divided our party into groups; these, one after another, broke up and went below, until but one solitary being, besides the man at the helm, remained on the quarter-deck. This being was the captain. His weather-beaten face and silvered hair were sufficient to convince you at a glance of his experience in navigation. To him we naturally looked, as to a barometer, to ascertain the state of the atmosphere, which, it must be acknowledged, at least to the suspicions of one among us, indicated nothing favourable.

I had, but a few years before, been a common sailor, and from the manner of the several captains with whom I had sailed, had observed enough to know that danger was at hand, by the silence and restlessness of our own, as he paced the deck, now glancing at the heavens, now heading the ship in another direction-again looking at some dark clouds rising above the western horizon, and next, in a voice of thunder, ordering the royals to be furled and the topgallant studding-sails to be taken in. This

order quickly confirmed my suspicion, and brought two of our unsleeping passengers to the deck, who, perceiving in the calm, clear sky over head, no cause for the order, retreated again to the cabin. But the practised eye of the captain saw not only the storm, but its rapid approach towards the vessel; and before his commands could be obeyed, the gale struck, and carried away both starboard and larboard booms. All hands were called up, and, almost as soon as said, the main and top-gallant sails were clewed up, and every thing put in trim to stand the gale; for, from the way in which it had set in, we had every reason to anticipate its rapid increase We were not disappointed. Ere twelve o'clock the next day, the noble ship, on which but yesterday was crowded all sail to catch the lagging wind, was barely able to scud before the blast under bare poles. But we weathered the gale, which lulled towards night; and the sky, so lately overcast by dark clouds, became clearer and clearer, till not a shade was visible in the broad face of the heavens.

We had been watching the sun, as it appeared to descend directly into the sea, until it could no longer be seen. When we turned away, our attention was arrested by a small, dense, black cloud, which had arisen above the south-eastern horizon. After passing our comments on so singular a phenomenon, most of us went below to while away the hours in reading, playing at whist, or some other amusement, until tea time, when one of our number, who had been on deck, returned, and half-seriously observed, "that dark cloud forebodes no good!" At ten o'clock a sharp flash of lightning blazed on our bark, followed quickly by a loud peal of thunder. Soon after a tremendous crash was heard, like the falling of ten thousand grape shot on the deck, directly over our heads. At the same time everything seemed enveloped in one bright flame. The passengers looked at one another in wild amazement. A few shrieks followed the fatal shock, and a silence, as of death, succeeded. When we had recovered our faculties sufficiently to look about, we found the captain and the mate bringing from the deck one of the seamen in a state of insensibility. He had been knocked down, with several others, by the electric fluid, but soon revived by the application of a dose from the medicine chest. It was ascertained that none