further work, so that in the end I also found that it was His work, and His only, to use Jesus, by revealing Him to me and in me; and, until He was graciously pleased to do this, all attempts for self-deliverance only brought me into greater entanglement and distress, for, if He shuts, who has wisdom and power to open? Some years before this, it was common for me to say, "I know the Lord can save me if He will." I did not in those days call in question the Lord's power to save me; but now I did not only call in question His power, but have times without number said that it was impossible for me ever to be saved. Grace was not large, rich, and powerful enough; my case was beyond its reach. If I were ever saved the Lord must depart from His ordinary way of working; and for me to expect Him to do this was a vain expectation. "Oh," I have said, "there must be a something added to grace if I am saved;" but what that addition must be I could not think. And then I would say, "Oh, would the Lord provide another kind of grace to suit my desperate case, and display it in its breadths, lengths, depths, and heights towards, upon, and in a vile outcast! In those days I should diligently search the Scriptures, to see if I could find recorded there any one that obtained mercy, whose case might, in a small measure, resemble mine; but, alas! I could not find one. I should then look upon those by whom I was surrounded, and for some of them I should say there was hope, but there was none for me. I then came to the conclusion that I should never find any one whose case resembled mine, only in hell; there I might find my fellow, and nowhere else but there. I should then look at and ponder over Paul's confession: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am chief." In reply I have said, "Paul, hold your tongue; stand back; you have no right to put yourself first as the most eminent or chief of sinners. No, no; you are a pigmy, I am a giant; you are a little molehill, but I am a ponderous mountain." (To be continued.) ENCOURAGEMENT. "In the last day, that great day of the feast, Jesus stood and cried, saying, If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink."-JOHN vii. 37. COME, thirsty soul, sin-bruised and sore, None come too late that come at all, "For He shall stand at the right hand of the poor, to save him from those that condemn his soul" (Psalm cix. 31). Fletching. H. H. THE INNER LIFE; OR, THE OPERATIONS OF DIVINE GRACE IN THE SOUL; BEING EXTRACTS FROM THE DIARY OF THE LATE MRS. D. A. DOUDNEY. [We stated in the account, published last month, of our dear departed wife, that, being then from home, we had no opportunity of ascertaining whether she had left anything in her own handwriting, or not. Since our return, however, to Bristol, our dear daughter found the following diary carefully locked up in her "davenport." Prior to her finding it, we had not the least idea that her beloved mother was thus in the habit of keeping any private record. On the cover is the following: "FOR MY DEAR HUSBAND'S PERUSAL WHEN I AM GONE HOME. OCT. 17th, 1864." Sacred as are the contents of this precious book, we feel it is due to our Godespecially in the superficial and truth-compromising days in which wo live-that these workings of Divine grace in the soul of one of His quickened and Spirit-taught children should not be withheld from others. We dare not hide such a talent as is thus, in the providence of God, entrusted to us. It has cost us no small amount of weeping in the perusal. May it now be owned of God to the well-being of many souls. Not merely may the agonizing prayers and all-powerful beseechings of a now sainted mother be blessed to her own dear children, so much the object of her deep, deep solicitude, but may the children also of many of our readers hereby obtain an insight into what are the holy wrestlings, heart-travail, and ardent importunities at the throne of grace of godly parents on their account. Ah, never, never whilst life lasts, or Reason retains her seat, shall we forget the exclamations on her dying-bed of her whose absence we now so deeply feel. Speaking of one of the objects of her intense solicitude so often referred to in the following pages, she said, "Oh, if I could hear of his conversion; if I could hear him say, 'MOTHER, I LOVE JESUS,' I should die of joy." Thus she spoke, shedding bitter tears at the same time. Our beloved daughter standing by, remarked, "You have left him, dear mamma, in the Lord's hands; would you take him back ?" "Oh, he is there! he is there!" she responded with much emphasis, raising her hand and pointing upwards as she spoke. From that moment she seemed to have no more anxiety about him.-EDITOR.] Saturday, April 26th, 1862.-For many, many weeks my mind has been led to desire to put a few of the feelings of my mind on paper, and take a short retrospect of my past life and experience; but, through the fear that it was pride and other wrong feelings prompting me, I have not dared to begin; still, when a quiet moment came, I so longed to write that I do trust it was from above; and then the thought, "You can destroy," has cheered me. So I now commence, entreating the Lord to direct my thoughts and feelings, that truth, soberness, and gratitude to God may guide each word. I scarcely remember the time when I was not the subject of deep religious impressions. When very young, the "Memoir of Dinah Doudney" was much prized by me; this little book, and the "Pilgrim's Progress," when scarcely six years old, I delighted to read. When some years older I used to often think of death, and wish I had died when a baby, because I should then have gone to heaven. As I grew older, my vain, worldly heart often led me far from God in feeling. Then, again, conviction would overtake me. I remember, one night, when about thirteen years of age, resolving to continue all night I in prayer-to say again and again, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner." did this, how long I know not, but I awoke on my knees some time in the night, dark and cold. In this state I continued until about eighteen years of age, dreading death, feeling I was not prepared, yet longing for God's time to come; I felt it would come, when one evening I went to the prayermeeting as usual, for I was never absent from Sunday class or any means of grace. There was a sweet girl sitting very near to me. She sang so well. She was a visitor, and several people seemed to be making so much of her, I felt so envious and miserable. The hymn was given out, "Beset with snares on every hand," &c., but no tune could be found; the next we were to sing, was "Let worldly minds the world pursue," &c. Had a voice spoken I could not have felt it more: Can You sing THIS? What have your feelings been the last ten minutes? I wept bitterly with shame and penitence, and entreated the Lord to change my vile heart. Still they were tears of joy, for I felt my prayer was heard. God's time was come. I did little but weep and pray for days, my joy was so great that I had at last found the Lord. I now wanted to die, but I had not yet known the tempter's power. Doddridge's "Rise and Progress" was read and re-read. I went to my minister, but I wept so much that I could hardly speak. He encouraged me to go forward. I used to examine myself according to Doddridge-pray at set times; and then spiritual pride crept in, and soon my peace was gone. Blasphemous thoughts the great adversary suggested. What agony of mind I suffered! No one knew it, but I used to fly to my room in the dark, entreating the Lord to have mercy upon me. One night, in particular, I remember I thought my reason must give way. I groaned and agonized, yet outwardly calm; no one knew of the storm within. At length the Lord again spoke peace, and I went on my way. I now joined the Church, was engaged in many ways, in tract distributing, Sabbath-schools, collecting for different societies; sometimes I rejoiced in the Lord, but, building on frames and feelings, I walked with uneven steps. The ministry I sat under was not calculated to draw me from myself up to our glorious HEAD. But I was When nearly twenty-two years of age I was seized with illness. My life was not expected; I was willing to die. But, when I look back and feel how much reliance there was on self-how little of Christ-that, though I believe I was on the Rock, yet I tremble when I look back. not to die. The Lord had much to teach me. Sure, of all dull scholars I have been the dullest; of all sinners the vilest and least deserving. I recovered, and was for many years the same. Truly I was like Peter, following afar off. Glimpses of Jesus I occasionally had, but how great was the distance between me and Christ! The ONENESS of the Church with Christ was either not insisted on, or I was not led to see it. When I was thirty-one years of age I was married to one who, I well knew, loved and feared the Lord. I now attended another kind of ministry. The doctrines of grace were more magnified; the creature and his feelings counted as nought. This was a great extreme. I did not under stand the preaching, except at times. I used sometimes to hear Harrington Evans; him I could understand, and enjoyed his preaching, and sometimes I could rejoice in my God and Saviour. How this retrospect shames me! I feel that years and years passed away, and I was nearly stationary in the Divine life. The cares of a family took away much of my heart. I still followed afar off. We went to Ireland; still the same. The God of Providence was realized, but no union of heart and soul with a blessed Christ. I am ashamed to write-to go on. Why did the Lord not say of me, "Cut it down: why cumbereth it the ground?" I often thought I was neither cold nor hot, and that the Lord's threat to the Church in Asia would be fulfilled in me. I was not happy; no, I longed for the Lord to manifest Himself, and so at times He did; but, depending on my own feelings, I lost my comfort, and with it my hope. Then, too, I was not watchful against besetting sins, and my sin and folly separated me from my God, and "He hid His face from me." Thus for years I went on, often comforted, but no settled peace. We left Ireland. Conflict and anxiety were our portion; but our minds were kept sweetly resting on the Lord for temporals, but spiritually dark for the greater part-sometimes light, but it was gone again. We were again settled, and our kind Father and loving Saviour was adored as the Giver, and often much peace was enjoyed; but it was not until early in the year 1862, until after a period of thirty-four years' pilgrimage, when our blessed, our all-wise God, said unto my soul," Thou art mine; I have redeemed thee." My chains were gone, my freedom was declared, my oneness with my glorious Head was opened to my mind, and now for more than four months I had peace with God; nay, I could sometimes triumph in God my Saviour. I looked back on my past life as one long blank. I often ask myself, How was it I was so long groping in the dark? The Sovereign Ruler of the skies. alone can answer this. "The set time to favour Zion was not come;" but the time did come. I had all along, though unknown to myself, been seeking for something in myself. Now I look for all in Christ, "our wisdom, our righteousness, our sanctification, our redemption;" and, though "I am a poor sinner and nothing at all, yet Jesus is my All in all," and, being a part of Him, I must and shall dwell with Him and praise Him for ever. Glorious truth, soul-exciting thought, that, as surely as I now write this on the 27th of April, 1862, I shall sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of God, and shall go no more out. The happiest days of my life have been the days of this year; sometimes it is heaven begun; and such intense longings have I to see His face, the "altogether lovely," that the world appears vanity indeed, and the spirit longs to be freed from this body of sin and death. Yet our God knows best. "All the days of my appointed time will I wait." For my dear husband's sake, especially for my children's sake, would I live; but I often think I shall not; I often suffer pain and weakness, but I speak not of it; my heart is often strangely affected, and sudden death may be my appointed end. But the Lord is mine, and I am His. All shall be well, for the Lord is our Portion. Why should we fear? He hath done us good all our life long. To Him be the glory. April 30th, 1862.-This morning felt much happiness in the thought that all the devil's schemes to make us ashamed, and to make us let go our confidence, only work together for our good; so that even this is among the "all things." "Nothing shall separate us from the love of God." "Nothing shall harm us, if we be followers of that which is good." Is not this enough? Yea, Lord, we know that nothing shall separate us from Thee; we live in Thee Now. We long for more of this; wo long to be wholly taken up with Thee; we long for the time when we shall not see through a glass darkly, but face to face-no more fear of our deceitful hearts, no more fear of deadness, coldness. And this is reserved for us. I mourn over, day by day, my cowardice. I do not speak for the Lord; I do not often "tell to sinners round What a dear Saviour I have found." Lord, give me grace to do this. My inability to speak very closely without tears has been my great hindrance, and I am naturally reserved as regards the inner feelings of the heart. Lord, loosen my tongue! May 4th, 1862, Sabbath.-How much have I to mourn over during the past week! how much coldness, wanderings, pride, and cowardice, not speaking out for Thee! Yet I must praise Thee, O my God, that I have been enabled sometimes to speak a word for Thee, telling of Thy faithfulness and love. But how little! how many opportunities have I passed by O Lord, earnestly would I entreat Thee to keep me always watching for the opportunity of saying something for Thee and of Thee, and dealing plainly and faithfully with those around. My soul loves Christian conversation; may we desire it more and more! Sometimes, when I think of the glorious oneness of the Church, and of every individual member one with the Son of God, I am lost in wonder, love, and praise: "Oh, for this love let rocks and hills How we shall shout "unto Him that loved us!" Happy day! it will soon dawn. "Jerusalem, my happy home!" How joyous that nearly fifty-two years have passed away in this world (and I so far from Him, alas, alas! whom my soul loveth), that the remaining short years will soon be gone, and I and all the dear ones safely landed! Keep me, Lord, near to Thee, realizing Thy presence-Thy grace; then, though storms shall pass over me, I shall be safe; and all those whom Thou hast bought with Thy precious blood shall be kept, too, under the shadow of Thy wings! May 18th.-An absent God I mourn for the last few days. Lord, how is it? has some sin, some hidden evil, crept between us? I feel so cold. Has the world, has self-ease or sloth, been the cause of this deadness, this darkness?"Search me, O God, and try me." "Prone to wander.' Come again, precious Jesus! I hate the sin that made Thee mourn. Wash me from my sins, pardon my transgressions, let me not go back into a lethargic state; whatever Thou seest fit to remove, tako not away Thyself. Thou "altogether lovely," "Chief among ten thousand," manifest Thyself, come again! Though I am cold and dark, Thou art the same, my God and Saviour. Have mercy upon my children-young, and no evidence as yet that they belong to Thee. Hopeful some of them are, but, Lord, decide the doubtful case; manifest to us, to all, that some are born of God. I believe all shall be saved, but it may be long ere they evidence this. It is a prevailing and intense desire of my soul that our three younger boys should be God's ministers. I feel sometimes that I could cheerfully, like Hannah, give them to the Lord, for foreign service, burning climes, if they were only working for God. To be the honoured mother of an ambassador for Christ, this is my hope and prayer. I feel almost confident that one of the three will be, but, if all are, Lord, Thy will be done |