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shames me! I feel that years and years passed away, and I was nearly stationary in the Divine life. The cares of a family took away much of my heart. I still followed afar off. We went to Ireland; still the same. The God of Providence was realized, but no union of heart and soul with a blessed Christ. I am ashamed to write-to go on. Why did the Lord not say of me, “Cut it down: why cumbereth it the ground ?" I often thought I was neither cold nor hot, and that the Lord's threat to the Church in Asia would be fulfilled in me. I was not happy; no, I longed for the Lord to manifest Himself, and so at times He did ; but, depending on my own feelings, I lost my comfort, and with it my hope. Then, too, I was not watchful against besetting sins, and my sin and folly separated me from my God, and “He hid His face from me.” Thus for years I went on, often comforted, but no settled peace. We left Ireland. Conflict and anxiety were our portion; but our minds were kept sweetly resting on the Lord for temporals, but spiritually dark for the greater part-sometimes light, but it was gone again. We were again settled, and our kind Father and loving Saviour was adored as the Giver, and often much peace was enjoyed; but it was not until early in the year 1862, until after a period of thirty-four years' pilgrimage, when our blessed, our all-wise God, said unto my soul, “ Thou art mine ; I have redeemed thee.” My chains were gone, my freedom was declared, my oneness with my glorious Head was opened to my mind, and now for more than four months I had peace with God; nay, I could sometimes triumph in God my Saviour. " I looked back on my past life as one long blank. I often ask myself, How was it I was so long groping in the dark? The Sovereign Ruler of the skies alone can answer this. "The set time to favour Zion was not come;" but the time did come. I had all along, though unknown to myself, been seeking for something in myself. Now I look for all in Christ, “our wisdom, our righteousness, our sanctification, our redemption;" and, though .“I am a poor sinner and nothing at all, yet Jesus is my All in all," and, being a part of Him, I must and shall dwell with Him and praise Him for ever.
Glorious truth, soul-exciting thought, that, as surely as I now write this on the 27th of April, 1862, I shall sit down with Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob in the kingdom of God, and shall go no more out. The happiest days of my life have been the days of this year; sometimes it is heaven begun; and such intense longings have I to see His face, the “altogether lovely,” that the world appears vanity indeed, and the spirit longs to be freed from this body of sin and death. Yet our God knows best. “All the days of my appointed time will I wait.” For my dear husband's sake, especially for my children's sake, would I live; but I often think I shall not; I often suffer pain and weakness, but I speak not of it; my heart is often strangely affected, and sudden death may be my appointed end. But the Lord is mine, and I am His. All shall be well, for the Lord is our Portion. Why should we fear? He hath done us good all our life long. To Him be the glory.
April 30th, 1862.—This morning felt much happiness in the thought that all the devil's schemes to make us ashamed, and to make us let go our confidence, only work together for our good; so that even this is among the “all things.” “ Nothing shall separate us from the love of God.” “Nothing shall harm us, if we be followers of that which is good.” Is not this enough ? Yea, Lord, we know that nothing shall separate us from Thee; we live in Thee now. We long for more of this ; wo long to be wholly taken up with Thee; we long for the time when
we shall not see through a glass darkly, but face to face—no more fear of our deceitful hearts, no more fear of deadness, coldness. And this is reserved for us. I mourn over, day by day, my cowardice. I do not speak for the Lord; I do not often
"tell to sinners round
What a dear Saviour I have found." Lord, give me grace to do this. My inability to speak very closely without tears has been my great hindrance, and I am naturally reserved as regards the inner feelings of the heart. Lord, loosen my tongue!
May 4th, 1862, Sabbath.-How much have I to mourn over during the past week ! how much coldness, wanderings, pride, and cowardice, not speaking out for Thee! Yet I must praise Thee, O my God, that I have been enabled sometimes to speak a word for Thee, telling of Thy faithfulness and love. But how little ! how many opportunities have I passed by! O Lord, earnestly would I entreat Thee to keep me always watching for the opportunity of saying something for Thee and of Thee, and dealing plainly and faithfully with those around. My soul loves Christian conversation; may we desire it more and more! Sometimes, when I think of the glorious oneness of the Church, and of every individual member one with the Son of God, I am lost in wonder, love, and praise :
“Oh, for this love let rocks and hills
Their lasting silence break !” How we shall shout "unto Him that loved us!" Happy day! it will soon dawn. “Jerusalem, my happy home !" How joyous that nearly fifty-two years have passed away in this world (and I so far from Him, alas, alas! whom my soul loveth), that the remaining short years will soon be gone, and I and all the dear ones safely landed! Keep me, Lord, near to Thee, realizing Thy presence-Thy grace; then, though storms shall pass over me, I shall be safe; and all those whom Thou hast bought with Thy precious blood shall be kept, too, under the shadow of Thy wings!
hlay 18th.--An absent God I mourn for the last few days. Lord, how is it? has some sin, some hidden evil, crept between us? I feel so cold. Has the world, has self-ease or sloth, been the cause of this deadness, this darkness ?." Search me, O God, and try me." "Prone to wander." Come again, precious Jesus! I hate the sin that made Thee mourn. Wash me from my sins, pardon my transgressions, let me not go back into a lethargic state ; whatever Thou seest fit to remove, tako not away Thyself. Thou “altogether lovely," " Chief among ten thousand,” manifest Thyself, come again! Though I am cold and dark, Thou art the same, my God and Saviour. Have mercy upon my children-young, and no evidence as yet that they belong to Thee. Hopeful some of them are, but, Lord, decide the doubtful case; manifest to us, to all, that some are born of God. I believe all shall be saved, but it may be long ere they evidence this. It is a prevailing and intense desire of my soul that our three younger boys should be God's ministers. I feel sometimes that I could cheerfully, like Hannah, give them to the Lord, for foreign service, burning climes, if they were only working for God. To be the honoured mother of an ambassador for Christ, this is my hope and prayer. I feel almost confident that one of the three will be, but, if all are, Lord, Thy will be done
as regards their bodies or the length of their lives, but, Lord, adopt them all, choose them all ; manifest soon that Thou hast chosen from all eternity our CHILDREN! One is Thy minister and Thy servant. Is there not the same grace to change their hearts as his ?
* Lord, I cannot let Thee go
Till a blessing Thou bestow.” Some think, to believe all our children will be saved is presumption ; but I cannot doubt my God,
“For His grace and power are such,
None can ever ask too much." I do not ask for riches, but for grace. Feed them with food convenient for them; give us and give them neither poverty nor riches, if it be Thy will, O God; but may we serve and love Thee, and glorify Thy holy name!
Alay 25th.-Sometimes dark, sometimes light, but Jesus is mine. He is still the same long-suffering, compassionate Saviour.
Satan is very busy—ofttimes disturbs my peace by very trifling things ; but-oh, glory to our God !-he is a chained foe and a conquered enemy. Self, sin, and Satan shall all be destroyed. This ofttimes-hard heart shall torment me no more when “He that shall come will come." I want the continued presence of my God; I seem to have lost this. Will He not come again? I look back on this year as the happiest of my lifo; but I have not enjoyed so much the last fortnight. Do shine again, precious Lord! Come, come again, blessed Spirit! Blessed Father, give me to fully realize my adoption! keep me near Thyself!
June 15th.—I have not written anything lately. Not that I have not a faithful God to bless, and magnify and bless, but because writing seems all of self; and then I fear lest to exalt self sliould be the motive. Lord, Thou knowest I would hate my own depraved heart and exalt Thee, the risen Saviour. I fear much lately, not my interest in Christ, for I do know in whom I have believed, but the cares of this world, anxiety for the future, doubting not the Lord's power, but my own conduct in many respects, feeling such shortcomings, such a want of wisdom whether I am doing right in this matter or that matter as regards temporals, and then such lukewarmness in spirituals; I feel tossed to and fro, and I cry, “Oh that it were with me as in months that have passed, when the presence of the Lord was my continual rejoicing !
Yet I do desire to follow hard after the Lord, feeling that it is of His sovereign mercy that I feel in this continual warfare, and that Ile will again shine into my soul.
Happy hour, when the distance shall be for ever removed! It seems a long time to wait, but the fighting will one day be over, and our great foo torment us no more.
I do desire to praise iny God that one of my children is desiring to walk in the narrow way. Lord, perfect those desires! Lord, cause her to know Thee! take her, take me, out of looking to vile, vile, hateful self to THEE! This grace bestow, precious Jesus, on this dear child, on ALL!
Have mercy upon our children; convert our children ; let one, let another come forward to testify to Thy grace! Lord, glorify Thyself in bringing out our children, not for our deserts, O Lord, but because Thou art a prayer-hearing and a prayer-answering God! Lord, do now show
Lord, to us now—Thy wonder-working hand! Thou knowest I would ask this more earnestly, far more, than any other deliverance, or from earthly cares. This I do desire. Lord, hear! Lord, answer! The Lord bless, guide, direct, strengthen my beloved husband in the matter of the schools ! I know Thou wilt, Lord; it is Thine own work, and Thou art pledged to help. I cannot doubt Thee, Lord; yet, in our own little matters, I often doubt, and feel bowed down, but then I think it is because I do not see clearly my own line of duty, and if I did I fear I shrink back from that duty. Lord, Thou knowest all my flittings, all my tossings, all my deep anxieties to know Thy will. Lord, show, Lord, give me strength, to do and act as Thou wouldest have me!
July 6th.—Since the last entry of my private thoughts and feelings I have known much of the hidings of God's face, and a dark cloud has passed over; my horizon indeed has been darkened ; and I could not even desire to have it removed-distance from God-and I sighed and mourned; but all seemed hopeless. What sorrow, what misery was this! and it lasted for many, many days. But during the last week the Lord has again shined upon me, and the partition was removed, and again I cry, “My Lord and my God!”
Yet trial of various kinds seems to follow us; but mercies are ever abounding. Death, too, has entered ; and my dear and only sister is a widow. Her husband is, I doubt not, before the throne. Happy, happy, happy! The vileness and abominations of my heart seem greater than I can tell. O Lord, cleanse me! Surely I shall have the most to praise Him for the most long-suffering patience to a hell-deserving sinner. Of all sinners I am chief, and yet a saved sinner-saved with an everlasting salvation. May the knowledge of this make me hate every sin, fight against it, and never expect to leave off fighting until the victory is won ; and the last cry shall be, “Victory, victory, through the blood of the Lamb!” Amen, amen.
Sunday, August 17th.—“Why art thou cast down, O my soul ? and why art thou disquieted within me? Hope thou in God; for I shall yet praise Him." I am cast down, indeed, with a sense of my ingratitude and worthlessness. I feel as if, of all Christ's flock, I was the most useless, the most hell-deserving. What can I write but that I long for the day to come when I again shall rejoice in the light of His countenance ? The days of darkness are so many. I ask, Why is it thus ? On looking back, I see three months have passed away, and I have not realized for any continuance the presence of my Saviour-at times a glimpse, but only transient; and for three months and more before that time I enjoyed the nearly-constant sunshine of His love. Why is this, O my God? “Is there any secret sin within me ?” Lord, if there is, show it me! The early months of this year were the happiest I ever spent. Sometimes I fear such seasons will never return on earth; they were only given to show what HEAVEN MUST BE.
Precious, precious Jesus! Thou art all my desire. I mourn for Thy return. “Return, O holy Dove, return!" The aching void is left. I feel there is something wrong-some looking to self—something, Lord, that is opposed to Thee. Turn, Lord, each rival out. Lift me out of self, and fix my heart on Thee.
“Welcome the hour of full discharge,
That sets my longing soul at large,
yes, blessed Jesus ! all communion, then all love, then no darkness, no coldness-all light, all love. Can any Christian desire to stay here? Except for others, surely not. What, desire to be absent from our glorious Head, yet loving Him supremely! “Where your treasure is, there will your heart be also." The dear children-“ Lord, may they live before Thee !” Glory be to Thy great name for that which is already begun! Go on, O Lord, until Thou hast subdued every heart. Bring, Lord, every one of us to Thy everlasting kingdom.
“I cannot let Thee go
Till a blessing Thou bestow.” Lord, answer; Lord, forgive; Lord, bless us ALL!
(To be continued.)
with him.”—MARK v. 18.
A little longer on the billows' foam, -
And then the sunshine of thy Father's home!
And thou must call them in with patient love;
And thou must follow them where'er they rove.
Wilt thou not cheer them with a kindly smile ?
Wilt thou not tend them yet a little while ?
And thou must teach those widow'd hearts to sing ;
They must be gather'd 'neath some sheltering wing.
Thy willing hand must be outstretched and free;
And gives His answering messages to thee.
And pris'ners' sighs sound strangely on the breeze,
Hast thou no ministry of love for these ?
And souls are perishing in hopeless sin;
Go to the banished ones and fetch them in !
And speak that name in all its living power ;
Canst thou not watch with me one little hour?
The golden harp-strings and the victor's palm,-
Eternity's long, deep, thanksgiving psalm !