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But renders words they first began to con, And th' activ'st fancies share as loose alloys,
The end of all that 's after to be known,

For want of equal weight to counterpoise.
And sets the help of education back,

But when those great conveniences meet, Worse than, without it, man could ever lack; Of equal judgment, industry, and wit, Who, therefore, finds the artificial'st fools

The one but strives the other to divert, Hare not been chang'di'th' cradle, but the schools, While Fate and Custom in the feud take part, Where errour, pedantry, and affectation,

And scholars, by preposterous over-doing, Run them behind-hand with their education, And under-judging, all their projects ruin And all alike are taught poetic rage,

Who, though the understanding of mankind When hardly one 's fit for it in an age.

Within so strait a compass is confin'd No sooner are the organs of the brain

Discain, the limits Nature sets to bound Quick to receive, and stedfast to retain,

The wit of man, and vainly rove beyond. Best knowledges, but all 's laid out upon

The bravest solaters scorn, until they re got Retrieving of the curse of Babylon;

Close to the enemy, to make a shot; To make confounded languages restore

Yet great philosophers delight to stretch A greater drudgery than it barr'd before:

Their talents most at things beyond their reach, And therefore those imported from the East, And proudly think t' unriddle every cause Where first they were incuir'd, are held the best, That Nature uses, by their own by-laws; Although convey'd in worse Arabian pothooks When 'tis not only impertinent, but rude, Than gifted tradesmen scratch in sermon note books; Where she denies adınission, to intrudę; Are really but pains and labour lost,

And all their industry is but to err, And not worth half the drudgery they cost, Unless they have free quarantine from her; Unless, like rarities, as they 've been brought Whence 'tis the world the less has understood, From fureigni climates, and as dearly bought, By striving to know more than Puis allowd: When those, who had no other but their own, For Adam, with the loss of Paradise, Have all succeeding eloquence outdone :

Bought knowledge at too desperate a price, As men that wink with one eye see more true, And ever since that miserable fate Aud take their aim much better, than with two: Learning did never cost an easier rate; For, the more languages a man can speak, For though the most divine and sovereign good His talent has but sprung the greater leak; That Nature has upon mankind bestow'd, And, for the industry he 'as spent upon 't, Yet it has prov'd a greater hinderance Must full as much some other way discount. Ao th’ interest of truth than ignorance, The Hebrew, Chaldee, and the Syriac,

And therefore never bore so high a value, Do, like their letters, set men's reason back, As when 'twas low, contemptible, and shallow; And turn their wits, that strive to understand it, Had academies, schools, and colleges, (Like those that write the characters) left-handed: Endow'd for its improvement and increase; Yet be, that is but able to express.

With pomp and show was introduc'd with maces, No sense at all in several languages,

More than a Roman magistrate had fasces;
Will pass for learneder than he, that's known Impower'd with statute, privilege, and mandate,
To speak the strongest reason in his own.

l' assume an art, and after understand it;
These are the modern arts of education, Like bills of store for taking a degree,
With all the learned of mankind in fashion, With all the learning to it custom-free;
But practis d only with the rod and whip,

And own professions, which they never took As riding-schools inculcate horsemanship;

So much delight in as to read one book: Or Romish penitents let out their skins,

Like princes, had prerogative to give To bear the penalties of others' sins :

Convicted malefactors a reprieve; When letters, at the first, were meant for play, And, having but a little paltry wit And only us'd to pass the time away;

More than the world, reduc'd and govern'd it, When th' ancient Greeks and Romans had no name But scom'd, as soon as 'twas but understood, To express a school and playhouse, but the same, As better is a spiteful foe to good, And in their languages, so long agone,

And now has nothing left for its support,
To study or be idle was all one;

But what the darkest times provided for 't.
For nothing more preserves men in their wits, Man has a natural desire to knox
Than giving of them leave to play by fits,

But th' one half is for interest, th' other show:
In dreams to sport, and ramble with all fancies, As scriv'vers take more pains to learn the sleight
And waking, little less extravagances,

Of making knots, than all the hands they write: The rest and recreation of tir'd thought,

So all his study is not to extend When 'tis run down with care and overwrought, The bounds of knowledge, but some vainer end; Of which whoever does not freely take

Tappear and pass for learned, though his claim His constant share, is never broad awake;

Will hardly reach beyond the empty name : And, when he wants an equal competence

For most of those that drudge and labour hard
Of both recruits, abates as much of sense. Furnish their understandings by the yard,
Nor is their education worse design'd

As a French library by the whole is,
Than Nature (in her province) proves unkind : So much an ell for quartos and for folios;
The greatest inclinations with the least

To wbich they are but indexes themselves, Capacities are fatally possest,

And understand no further than the shelves; Condemn'd to drudge, and Jabour, and take pains, But smatter with their titles and editions, Without an equal competence of brains;

And place them in their classical partitions ; While those she has indulg'd in soul and body When all a student knows of what he reads are most averse to industry and study,

Is not in 's own, but under general heads

Of common places, not in his own power,

Exild himself, and all his followers, But, like a Dutchman's money, i'th' cantore, Notorious poets, only bating verse. Where all he can make of it, at the best,

The Stagyrite, unable to expound Is hardly three per cent for interest;

The Euripus, leapt into it, and was drown'd: And whether he will ever get it out,

So he that put his eyes out, to consider Into his own possession, is a doubt:

And contemplate on natural things the steadier, Affects all books of past and modern ages,

Did but himself for idiot convince, But reads no further than the title-pages,

Though reverenc'd by the learned ever since.
Only to con the anthors' names by rote,

Empedocles, to be esteem'd a god,
Or, at the best, those of the books they quote, Leapt into Etna, with his sandals shod,
Enough to challenge intimate acquaintance That being blown out, discover'd what an ass
With all the learned moderns and the ancients. The great philosopher and juggler was,
As Roman noblemen were wont to greet,

That to his own new deity sacrific'd,
And compliment the rabble in the street,

And was himself the victim and the priest. Had nomenclators in their trains, to claim The Cynic coin'd false money, and, for fear Acquaintance with the meanest by his name, Of being hang'd for 't, turp'd philosopber; And, by so mean contemptible a bribe,

Yet with his lantern went, by day, to find Trepann'd the suffrages of every tribe;

One honest man i’ th' heap of all mankind;
So learned men, by authors' names unknown, An idle freak he needed not have done,
Have gain'd no small improvement to their own, If he had known himself to be but one.
And he's esteem’d the learned'st of all others, With swarms of maggots of the self-same rate,
That bas the largest catalogue of authors.

The learned of all ages celebrate
Things that are properer for Knightsbridge college,
Than th' authors and originals of knowledge;
More sottish than the two fanatics, trying

To mend the world by laughing, or by crying; FRAGMENTS OF AN INTENDED SECOND PART OF Or be that laugh'd until he chok'd his whistle, THE FOREGOING SATIRE.

To rally on an ass, that ate a thistle;

That th' antique sage, that was gallant t'a goose, Men's talents grow more bold and confident, A fitter mistress could not pick and choose, The further they 're beyond their just extent, Whose tempers, inclinations, sense, and wit, As smatterers prove more arrogant and pert, Like two indentures, did agree so fit. The less they truly understand an art; And, where they 've least capacity to doubt, The ancient Sceptics constantly deny d. Are wont t'appear most perempt'ry and stout; What they maintain’d, and thought they justify'd; While those that know the mathematic lines, For when they affirm'd, that nothing 's to be known, Where Nature all the wit of man confines, They did but what they said before disown; And when it keeps within its bounds, and where And, like Polemics of the Post, pronounce It acts beyond the limits of its sphere,

The same thing to be true and false at once. Enjoy an absoluter free command

These follies had such influence on the rabble, O'er all they have a right to understand,

As to engage them in perpetual squabble; Than those that falsely venture to encroach Divided Rome and Athens into clans Where Nature has deny'd them all approach, Of ignorant mechanic partisans ; And still, the more they strive to understand, That, to maintain their own hypotheses, Like great estates, ran furthest behind-hand; Broke one another's blockheads, and the peace; Will undertake the universe to fathom,

Were often set by officers i' th stocks From infinite down to a single atom;

Por quarrelling about a paradox: Without a geometric instrument,

When pudding-wives were launcht in cock-quean To take their own capacity's extent;

stools, Can tell as easy how the world was made

For falling foul on oyster-women's schools,
As if they had been brought up to the trade No herb-women sold cabbages or onions,
And whether Chance, Necessity, or Matter, But to their gossips of their own opinions.
Contriv'd the whole establishment of Nature; A Peripatetic cobbler scorn'd to sole
When all their wits to understand the world A pair of shoes of any other school;
Can never tell why a pig's tail is curld,

And porters of the judgment of the Stoics,
Or give a rational account why fish,

To go an errand of the Cyrenaics; That always use to drink, do never piss.

That us'd t'encounter in athletic lists,

With beard to beard, and teeth and nails to fists, What mad fantastic gambols have been play'd Like modem kicks and cuffs among the youth By th' ancient Greek forefathers of the trade, Of academics, to maintain the truth. That were not much inferior to the freaks

But in the boldest feats of arms the Storc Of all our lunatic fanatic sects!

And Epicureans were the most heroic, The first and best philosopher of Athens

That stoutly ventur'd breaking of their necks, Was crackt,and ran stark-staring mad with patience, To vindicate the interests of their sects, And had no other way to show his wit,

And still behav'd themselves as resolute But when his wife was in her scolding fit;

In waging cuffs and bruises, as dispute, Was after in the Pagan inquisition,

Until, with wounds and bruises which th' had got, And suffer'd martyrdom for no religion.

Some hundreds were killd dead upon the spot; Next him, his scholar, striving to expel

When all their quarrels, r ghtly under tood, All poets his poetic commonweal,

Were but to prove disputes the sovereign good.


DISTINCTIONS, that had been at first design'd As far from gaiety and complaisance,
To regulate the errours of the mind,

As greatness, insolence, and ignorance;
By being too nicely overstrain'd and vext,

And therefore bas surrendered her dominion
Have made the comment harder than the text, O’er all mankind to barbarous Opinion,
And do not now, like carving, hit the joint, That in her right usurps the tyrannies
But break the bones in pieces, of a point,

And arbitrary government of lies-
And with impertinent evasions force

As no tricks on the rope but those that break,
The clearest reason from its native course- Or come most near to breaking of a neck,
That argue things s' uncertain, 'tis no matter Are worth the sight, so nothing goes for wit
Whether they are, or never were in nature ; But nonsense, or the next of all to it:
And yenture to demonstrate, when they've slurr'd, For nonsense, being neither false nor true,
And palm'd a fallacy upon a word.

A little wit to any thing may screw;
For disputants (as swordsmen use to fence

And, when it has a while been us'd, of course
With blunted foils) engage with blunted sense ; Will stand as well in virtue, power, and force,
And, as they ’re wont to falsify a blow,

And pass for sense, t' all purposes as good,
Use nothing else to pass upon the foe;

As if it had at first been understood:
Or, if they venture further to attack,

For nonsense has the amplest privileges,
Like bowlers, strive to beat away the jack; And more than all the strongest sense obliges;
And, when they find themselves too hardly prest on, | That furnishes the schools with terms of art,
Prevaricate, and change the state o' th' quest'on; The mysteries of science to impart;
The noblest science of defence and art

Supplies all seminaries with recruits
In practice now with all that controvert,

Of endless controversies and disputes ;
And th' only mode of prizes, from Bear-garden For learned nonsense has a deeper sound
Down to the schools, in giving blows, or warding. Than easy sense, and goes for more profound.

As old knights-errant in their harness fought
As safe as in a castle or redoubt,

For all our learned authors now compile
Gave one another desperate attacks,

At charge of nothing but the words and style,
To storm the counterscarps upon their backs; And the most curious critics or the learned
So disputants advance, and post their arms, Believe themselves in nothing else concerned;
To storm the works of one another's terms; For, as it is the garniture and dress,
Fall foul on some extravagant expression,

That all things wear in books and languages,
Bat ne'er attempt the main design and reason- (And all men's qnalities are wont t'appear
So some poleinics use to draw their swords According to the habits that they wear)
Against the language only and the words;

'Tis probable to be the truest test
As he who fought at barriers with Salmasius, Of all the ingenuity o' th' rest.
Engag'd with nothing but his style and phrases, The lives of trees lie only in the barks,
War'd to assert the murder of a prince,

And in their styles the wit of greatest clerks;
The author of false Latin to convince;

Hence 'twas the ancient Roman politicians
Bat laid the merits of the cause aside,

Went to the schools of foreign rhetoricians,
By those that understood them to be try'd; To learn the art of patrons, in defence
And counted breaking Priscian's head a thing Of interest and their clients' eloquence;
More capital than to behead a king ;

When consuls, censors, senators, and pretors, For which he 'as been admir'd by all the learn'd, With great dictators, us'd to apply to rhetors, • Of knaves concern'd, and pedants unconcern'd. To hear the greater magistrate o'th' school

Give sentence in his haughty chair-curule, JUDGMENT is but a curious pair of scales, And those, who mighty nations overcame, That turns with th' hundredth part of true or false, Were fain to say their lessons, and declaim. And still, the more 'tis us'd, is wont t'abate

Words are but pictures, true or false design'd, The subtlety and niceness of its weight,

To draw the lines and features of the mind; Until 'tis false, and will not rise nor fall,

The characters and artificial draughts,
Like those that are less artificial;

T'express the inward images of thoughts ;
And therefore students, in their ways of judging, And artists say a picture may be good,
Are fain to swallow many a senseless gudgeon, Although the moral be not understood ;
And by their over-understanding lose

Whence some infer they may admire a style,
Its active faculty with too much use;

Though all the rest be e'er so mean and vile; For reason, when too curiously 'tis spun,

Applaud th' outsides of words, but never mind
Is but the next of all remov'd from none-

With what fantastic tawdry they are lin'd.
It is Opinion governs all mankind,

So orators, enchanted with the twang
As wisely as the blind that leads the blind :

Of their own trillos, take delight tharangne: Por, as those surnames are esteem'd the best Whose science, like a juggler's box and balls, That signify in all things else the least,

Conveys and counterchanges true and false; So men pass fairest in the world's opinion,

Casts mists before an audience's eyes, That have the least of truth and reason in them. To pass the one for th' other in disguise ; Truth would undo the world, if it possest

And, like a morrice-dancer dress'd with bells, The meanest of its right and interest;

Only to serve for noise, and nothing else, Is but a titular princess, whose authority

Such as a carrier makes his cattle wear, Is always under age, and in minority;

And hangs for pendents in a horse's ear; Has all things done, and carried in its name, For, if the language will but bear the test, But most of all where it can lay no claim;

No matter what becomes of all the rest :

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The ablest orator, to save a word,

Had crackt his scull, to find out proper places Would throw all sense and reason overboard. To lay up all memoirs of things in cases ;

Hence 'tis that nothing else but eloquence And practis'd all the tricks upon the charts, Is ty'd to such a prodigal expense;

To play with packs of sciences and arts, That lays out half the wit and sense it uses That serve t' iinprove a feeble gamester's study, l'pon the other half's, as vain excuses :

That ventures at grammatic beast, or noddy; For all defences and apologies

Had read out all the catalogues of wares, Are but specifics t' other frauds and lies;

That come in dry vats o'er from Frankfort fairs, And th' artificial wash of eloquence

Whose authors use t'articulate their surnames Is daub'd in vain upon the clearest sense,

With scraps of Greek more learned than the jermans; Only to stain the native ingenuity

Was wont to scatter books in every room, Of equal brevity and perspicuity;

Where they might best be seen by all that come, Whilst all the best and soberest things he does, And lay a train that naturally should force Are when he coughs, or spits, or blows his nose; What he design'd, as if it fell of course; Jlandles no point so evident and clear

And all this with a worse success than Cardan, (Besides his white gloves) as his handkercher; Who bought both books and learning at a bargain, Unfolds the nicest scruple so distinct,

When, lighting on a philosophic spell, As if his talent had been wrapt up in 't

Of which he never knew one syllable, Unthriftily, and now he went about

Presto, be gone, h' unriddled all he read, Henceforward to improve and put it out.

As if he had to nothing else been bred.


The pedants are a mongrel breed, that sojourn
Among the ancient writers and the modern;
And, while their studies are between the one AN HYPOCRITICAL NONCONFORMIST,
And th' other spent, have nothing of their own;

Like spunges, are both plants and animals,
And equally to both their natures false :

There's nothing so absurd, or vain,
For, whether 'tis their want of conversation, Or barbarous, or inhumane,
Inclines them to all sorts of affectation;

But, if it lay the least pretence
Their sedentary life and melancholy,

To piety and godliness, The everlasting nursery of folly ;

Or tender-hearted conscience,
Their poring upon black and white too subtly And zeal for gospel-truths profess,
Has turn'd the insides of their brains to motley ; Does sacred instantly commence ;
Or squandering of their wits and time upon And all that dare but question it, are straight
Too many things, has made them fit for none; Pronounc'd the uncircumcis'd and reprobate:
Their constant overstraining of the mind

As malefactors, that escape and fly
Distorts the brain, as horses break their wind; Into a sanctuary for defence,
Or rude confusions of the things they read

Must not be brought to justice thence,
Get up, like noxious vapours, in the head,

Although their crimes be ne'er so great and high; Until they have their constant wanes, and fulls, And he that dares presume to do 't, And changes, in the insides of their sculls;

sentenc'd and deliver'd up Or venturing beyond the reach of wit

To Satan, that engag'd him to 't,
Has render'd them for all things else unfit; For venturing wickedly to put a stop
But never bring the world and books together, To his immunities and free affairs,
And therefore never rightly judge of either; Or meddle saucily with theirs
Whence multitudes of reverend men and critics That are employ'd by him, while he and they
Have got a kind of intellectual rickets,

Proceed in a religious and a holy way.
And, by th' immoderate excess of study,
Have found the sickly head t’ outgrow the body. And, as the Pagans heretofore
For pedantry is but a corn or wart,

Did their own handyworks adore,
Bred in the skin of Judgment, Sense, and Art, And made their stone and timber deities,
A stupify'd excrescence, like a wen,

Their temples and their altars, of one piece; Fed by the peccant humours of learn'd men, The same outgoings seem t’inspire That never grows from natural defects

Our modern self-willid Edifier, Of downright and untutord intellects,

That, out of things as far from sense, and more, But from the over-curious and vain

Contrives new light and revelation,
Distempers of an artificial brain-

The creatures of th' imagination,
So he, that once stood for the learned'st man, To worship and fall down before;
Had read ont Little Britain and Duck-lane; Of which his crack'd delusions draw
Worn out bis reason, and reduc'd his body

As monstrous images and rude,
And brain to nothing with perpetual study ; As ever Pagan, to believe in, hew'd,
Kept tutors of all sorts, and virtuosis,

Or madman in a vision saw;
To read all anthors to him with their glosses, Mistakes the feeble impotence,
And made his lacquies, when he walk'd, bear folios And vain delusions of his mind,
Of dictionaries, lexicons, and scholias,

For spiritual gifts and offerings, To be read to him every way the wind

Which Heaven to present bim brings; Should chance to sit, before him or behind; And still, the further 'tis from sense, Had read out all th’imaginary duels

Believes it is the more refin'd, That had been fought by consonants and vowels ; And ought to be receiv'd with greater reverence.

But, as all tricks, whose principles

Nor left at large, nor be restrain'd, Are false, prove false in all things else,

But where there 's something to be gain'd; The dull and heavy hypocrite

And, that being once reveald, deties Is but in pension with his conscience,

The law, with all its penalties, That pays him for maintaining it

And is convinc'd no pale With zealous rage and impudence;

O'th' church can be so sacred as a jail : And, as the one grows obstinate,

For, as the Indians' prisons are their mines, So does the other rich and fat;

So he has found are all restraints Disposes of his gifts and dispensations,

To thriving and free-conscienc'd saints; Like spiritual foundations

For the same thing enriches that confiues;
Endow'd to pious uses, and design'd

And like to Lully, when he was in hold,
To entertain the weak, the lame, and blind; He turns his baser metals into gold;
But still diveris them to as bad, or worse,

Receives returning and retiring fees
Than others are by unjust governors :

For holding forth, and holding of his peace; For, like our modern publicans,

And takes a pension to be advocate He still puts out all dues

And standing counsel 'gainst the church and state He owes to Heaven to the Devil to use,

For gall’d and tender consciences; And makes his godly interest great gains ;

Commits himself to prison to trepan, Takes all the brethren (to recruit

Draw in, and spirit all he can; The spirit in hiin) contribute,

For birds in cages have a call, And, to repair and edify his spent

To draw the wildest into nets,
And broken-winded outward man, present

More prevalent and natural
For painful holding-forth against the government. Than all our artificial pipes and counterfeits.
The subtle spider never spins,

His slippery conscience has more tricks
But on dark days, his slimy gins ;

Than all the juggling empirics, Nor does our engineer much care to plant

And every one another contradicts; His spiritual machines,

All laws of Heaven and Earth can break, Unless among the weak and ignorant,

And swallow oaths, and blood, and rapine easy, Th' inconstant, credulous, and light,

And yet is so infirmi and weak, The vain, the factions, and the slight,

'Twill not endure the gentlest check, That in their zeal are most extravagant ;.

But at the slightest nicety grows queasy ;
For trouts are tickled best in muddy water : Disdains control, and yet can be
And still the muddier he finds their brains,

No where, but in a prion, free;
The more he's sought and follow'd after,

Can force itself, in spite of God, And greater ministrations gains:

Who makes it free as thought at home, Por talking idly is admir'd,

A slave and villain to become, And speaking nonsense held inspird ;

To serve its interests abroad: And still, the flatter and more dull

And, though no Pharisee was e'er so cunning His gifts appear, is held more powerful :

At tithing mint and cummin, For blocks are better cleft with wedges,

No dull idolater was e'er so flat Than tools of sharp and subtle edges;

In things of deep and solid weight,
And dullest nonsense has been found,

Pretends to charity and holiness,
By some, to be the solid'st and the most profound. But is implacable to peace,
A great apostle once was said

And out of tenderness grows obstinate.
With too much learning to be mad;

And, though the zeal of God's house ate a prince But our great saint becomes distract,

And prophet up (he says) long since, And only with too little crackt;

His cross-grain'd peremptory zeal Cries moral truths and human learning down,

Would eat up God's house, and devour it at a And will endure no reason but his own:

meal. For 'tis a drudgery and task, Not for a saint, but pagan oracle,

He does not pray, but prosecute, To answer all men can object or ask;

As if he went to law, his suit; But to be found impregnable,

Summons his Maker to appear And with a sturdy forehead to hold out,

And answer what he shall prefer; In spite of shame or reason resolute,

Returns him back his gift of prayer, Is braver than to argue and confute;

Not to petition, but declare; As he that can draw blood, they say,

Exhibits cross complaints From witches, takes their magic power away,

Against him for the breach of covenants, So he that draws blood int' a brother's face,

And all the charters of the saints; Takes all his gifts away, and light, and grace:

Pleads guilty to the action, and yet stands For, while he holds that nothing is so damn'd

Upon high terms and bold demands; And shameful as to be asham'd,

Excepts against him and his laws, He never can b’ attack’d,

And will be judge himself in his own cause; But will come off; for Confidence, well back'd,

And grows more saucy and severe Among the weak and prepossess'd,

Than th' heathen emperor was to Jupiter, Has often Truth, with all her kingly power, oppress'd. And sometimes would speak softly in his ear

That us'd to wrangle with him and dispute, It is the nature of late zeal,

And sometimes loud, and rant, and tear, Twill not be subject, nor rebel,

And threaten, if he did not grant his suit.

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