I and foreigner, but a fellow-citizen with the saints. have, indeed, cause to lament my want of constant heavenly-mindedness. But through the grace of God, I will endeavour to live the truths I preach, and transcribe, in my conduct, the directions to obtain and exercise heavenly-mindedness which I have this evening given to others. Lord, help me. "Wed. 12.-That I may see how my time is spent, I purpose taking notice of it more particularly, hoping this will be a means of producing in my conduct that uniformity and good order, which will prevent the waste of much precious time. Indeed I am not always master of my own time. Being often from home, the people do, and will, intrude upon my hours of study and devotion. And when I am in Leeds, so many of our friends whom I cannot deny without giving offence, invite me to dine, &c. that much time is consumed in these visits. However, I must take some method to prevent it in future. May I have wisdom from above to make the best of the circumstances in which Providence has placed me. "Frid. 14.-After spending some hours in my own peaceful, happy, little family, my dear wife and I went a little out of town, where we are to dine and drink tea. At dinner, political subjects were introduced, by a gentleman who is a boiling-hot churchman, and who seems to have a deep-rooted enmity against all dissenters. In other respects he appears to be a pious man, and an experienced Christian. How mysterious. How great is the power of prejudice. I inculcated the necessity of a catholic spirit, and mutual love between Christians of different sects. It was with difficulty I could keep up any conversation truly profitable. Upon a review of this day, I perceive that I have lost much precious time which might have been spent far better either in my closet or in visiting the sick. One of the most disagreeable things I meet with in this circuit is, so much ceremonious visiting to dine, &c. which custom for many years has rendered almost necessary in order to satisfy the people. But I cannot think it right to spend so much time in company with the rich; and through divine assistance, I will swim against the tide; resolving that when I go out, I will make my stay very short, and as profitable as I can. "Mon. 17.-My mind is a good deal exercised about L the present state of things. The people here seem going mad about politics. A number of the respectable inhabitants of Leeds met to-day to consult on the best methods of putting a stop to seditious principles, which, like a little leaven, seem to be leavening the whole nation. What will be the end of these things, the Lord only knows. It appears to me, that both parties are too warm. The high church people are too hard upon the dissenters; and on the other hand, the dissenters are not sufficiently sensible of the privileges which Providence has given them, and which were purchased by the property and the blood of their pious ancestors. When I left Leeds this evening to go to Eccup, hundreds of people were in the streets in a riotous manner; and to shew their loyalty, were carrying about the town the effigy of Mr. Pitt, which they intended to burn: others were drinking to excess in the public houses, and singing, 'God save the King.' I fear something serious will happen before the morning. O Lord, hide me, my dear wife, all my friends, and thy dear people in the secret of thy pavilion till every calamity of life be overpast. "Sun. 23.-I arose in a comfortable frame; and felt pleasure in the thought of preaching the unsearchable riches of Christ. Riding from Thorner to Seacroft to preach in the morning, I found it extremely cold and windy, but enjoyed the divine presence, which more than compensated for it. I was left almost to myself in preaching. How painful! Yet in meeting the class, I found the people were blessed. In my way back over Winnmoor, the north wind was so strong that I could hardly sit on horseback, and so piercing as I have seldom felt it. But, oh! what peace did I feel in my mind. I could not forbear saying, O Lord, if I had a thousand lives, they should all be spent in thy service.' Tues. 25, Christmas day.-I opened the new chapel at Keswick, at two o'clock; preached from John iii. 16. If ever I preached, 'not to fill up an hour, but to save a soul,' it was now. I rode to Wetherby, and preached in the evening with great warmth, but not such clearness as could have been wished. The place would not contain the congregation. Our friends here would gladly erect a chapel, but cannot get ground. Laid me down in peace much wearied. 66 Mon. Dec. 31-I retired in the evening to 'talk with my past hours, and ask them what report they bore to heaven.' I am now brought to the conclusion of another year, during which I have received many mercies; but of all the temporal favours of the year my dear wife stands foremost. I received her at first as the gift of God's mercy. I thought I was in the way of providence in marrying her. Now I am certain of it. "Notwithstanding my unfaithfulness, the Lord has favoured me with much of his presence. O how often has he made my cup run over. He has anointed me with the oil of gladness for his own name's sake; and, I trust, I am more like him than I was last year at this time. 64 Tues. Jan. 8, 1793.-I am quite shocked at my own instability. Since the 1st inst. I have frequently enjoyed unusual nearness to God; but at other times, have been dull and unfeeling. I am quite a mystery to myself. I think I perceive some evident marks of a growth in grace; and yet I see so much imperfection in my thoughts, words, and works, that my spirits sink upon a review of them. What a mercy that we have an Advocate with the Father, one who is pleading our cause, and who cannot plead unsuccessfully. This is my confidencemy rejoicing. Were it not for the blood of the covenant, I should be miserable. O blessed blood, which speaketh better things than the blood of Abel. O blessed Lord, let the love of Christ constrain me to live wholly to thy glory. Thou knowest I would be wholly thine. My greatest burden is, that I do not get and do more good. O my Lord, through thy grace, I will live this year as I never lived before. O seize me as thy own. Let sinful self be annihilated. Let me live constantly as in the presence-chamber of my Lord. 66 Frid. March 8.-About two o'clock this morning my dear wife presented me with a fine boy-my first-bornthe beginning of my strength. My soul was filled with joy and gratitude. I felt overpowered with a sense of the goodness of God. I ran into another room, and gave vent to my full soul in expressions of gratitude. * * * * * My dear wife was filled with divine comfort in the midst of her distress. All present were amazed at the power of religion which was discovered in her in the time of trial. The Lord had prepared her for it by blessing her with much of his presence. She rapidly grew in grace. She lived in the very suburbs of heaven. When we were joining in mutual prayer, our souls were frequently overwhelmed with divine love and joy. Blessed be the Lord for all his mercies. 66 Now I am a father. Important relation. I fear lest I should fail in the duties of a parent. O Lord, teach me how to act and may I and my dear companion be assisted to train up our son in the way he should go, and may he never depart from it. I will begin to read such books, (and especially the Book of God,) as will give me just ideas of the duties of parents, and through divine help, I will endeavour to perform them. 66 Tues. March 12.-We dedicated our dear son to God, jointly and separately, many times before he was born; begging the Lord to sanctify him from his very birth, and to give him divine grace whatever else He gave or denied. We have frequently renewed our dedication of him since he was born; and to-day we dedicated him to the Lord in baptism. Our dear uncle Pawson baptized him with much solemnity. At our desire he was named John Pawson.' We desired to have him so called, not only out of respect to our venerable uncle, but also, from a hope that he would be led to imitate the piety of his uncle, and that his very name might be a constant motive to a life of devotion to God. We were remarkably blessed in the ordinance. The Lord condescended to honour the baptism of our infant with his gracious presence. I would now solemnly make Joshua's resolution,As for me and my house we will serve the Lord.' 66 Thurs. May 2.-I rose early, and rode to Thorner. It is a year this day since I was married. My dear wife and I renewed our solemn covenant with God, in the same room, and on the very spot where we first entered into it this time last year. When I had read over the covenant itself, I began to pray. My mind was in a sweet, solemn frame when I began; and as I proceeded, my confidence and joy increased more and more. My dear wife felt the same. At last, I was so overpowered with a sense of the goodness of God, and my interest in him, that I could only cry, 'Glory, glory, glory!' Indeed we both enjoyed so much of the divine presence, that we could only weep and silently adore for a considerable time. The Lord has often blessed us when we have been joining in mutual prayer, but never so much as now. We solemnly dedicated our dear little child to God, and we humbly hope, He has taken him as his own. June 15. This week I have had such a consciousness of the imperfection of my heart and life as I never experienced before. The religion of Jesus Christ has appeared so pure and spiritual, and my heart so unholy and carnal, that my spirits have sunk under it. I have had many doubts respecting the genuineness of my past experience. Sometimes I have almost drawn the conclusion, I am deceived, and I have deceived others all along. My mind was not greatly distressed; but I felt unutterable longings to be and to do what the Lord would have me. Oh! how I hated sin; and at the same time longed to be holy as God is holy. Upon a review of my conduct this week, I may say, I have seldom lived so much in the spirit of prayer, and have not often been enabled to improve my time in reading and meditation so much as this week. I have also, frequently enjoyed great nearness to God. Yet I see so many defects-so much time unimproved-such a want of spirituality and holy fervour in religious exercises, that were it not for my Advocate above, I should despair of ever getting to glory. 66 June 28.-In my way between Aberford and Sturton, I was drawn into such a praying, wrestling spirit as I seldom experienced before. I saw the necessity of enjoying more inward liberty: I longed to be wholly sanctified the language of my heart was, 'My vehement soul cries out opprest, Nor can I, Lord, nor will I rest Till I am saved indeed. "July 16.-Yesterday I experienced a most violent inward war. My corruptions raised insurrections against grace, and I was tempted even to curse and swear. This morning my mind is all confusion and disorder. I know I'm a burden to myself. not what will become of me. O Lord, make haste to help me. |