mitted, is best known to the Lord. O may I profit by it. My greatest concern is for the congregations and people among whom I labour. I fear they derive little profit from my ministry. Well, 'He knoweth the way which I take; and when he hath tried me, he will bring me forth as gold.' I resolve to mind his work, and seek his glory, and hang dependent upon him. "Dec. 10.-The painful exercises mentioned in the preceding pages have been greatly sanctified to me. Hereby the Lord has prepared me for a deeper baptism of his Holy Spirit. My soul is drawn into a closer, holier union with himself. I am indulged with his constant presence. He gives me rest. I find in him all I want. I feel an increasing deadness to the world, to praise and popularity. My whole attention is directed to one thing, -to live to God, and be found faithful in his work. He has been pleased, too, to assist me in my studies and public labours. O may I obtain mercy of the Lord to be found faithful. 66 Dec. 15.-This has been one of the best weeks of my life. I have enjoyed great nearness to God, and have been indulged with much conscious intercourse and communion with him. My soul has taken deeper root downward. Hereby I have been prepared for an exceedingly painful trial, which requires the exercise of resignation and strong confidence in God. I flee to my hiding place. He who has been the refuge of his people in all generations, will, I trust, shelter me from every storm. O God, my soul trusteth in thee: under the shadow of thy wings will I put my trust, until these calamities be overpast. The enemy thrusts sore at me that I may fall. Be thou my strong helper, O Lord. Hold thou me up, and I shall be safe. Never leave nor forsake me. I will 'do good,' and trust in thee,' O my God. I will abandon myself unto thee in the way of duty. O my God, let every future step of my life be directed by thee. I dread nothing but thy frown, thou knowest. And in the fire and water I will say, 'Because thy loving-kindness is better than life, my lips shall praise thee. Thus while I live will I bless thee, and lift up my hands in thy name.' "Jan. 5, 1805.-By the good providence of God, I am brought to the beginning of a new year. My soul has been earnestly engaged with desire to live to God; yet have I been so exercised with various occurrences, that I have been almost constantly kept in a state of conflict. At present I find it difficult to avoid anxiety. I wish to live within the vail, to be wholly engaged and given up to my Lord's work, and to leave myself and all my concerns in his most blessed hands. 66 'Jan. 19.—A storm is generally succeeded by a calm. So I have found it this week. For several days I was tossed with a tempest of trials and exercises. Hardly could I keep my head above water. Now, thank God, my mind is calm and serene, and I am forming new resolutions to live to God alone. I see my way. 'With steady pace thy course of duty run; But thou would'st do thyself, didst thou but see "Mon. April 15.-This morning early I entered upon my thirty-ninth year. This year has been attended with exercises of several kinds quite new to me. Sometimes my conflicts have been severe. On a review of the year, I have the satisfaction to find, that I am better than ever acquainted with myself, and, upon the whole, am making way towards heaven. July 13.-Blessed be God for journeying mercies. On Monday I went by coach to Chatham, where I preached at night; on Tuesday I took my dear James to Sheerness for the benefit of the sea air. In the beginning of this year he became lame. A tumour formed in his ancle. It swelled considerably. I applied to Mr. J.— who also consulted Sir W. Blizzard. They agreed to apply blisters, administer medicine, &c. But he grew worse and worse. At length the tumour broke in four places, and assumed the appearance of ulcers on each side of the ancle. For four months the child could not walk. This was a time of great trial. However, the Lord interposed. A friend who had long been much concerned for him and me, called upon me and recom. mended a person who had performed many cures in worse cases than this, to whom I applied. In three days he stood upright, and even began to walk. that time he recovered strength." From James was left for a few months at Sheerness for the advantage of sea-bathing: this had the desired effect; his health was restored, and to the unspeakable satisfaction of his father who had feared that he would be lame for life, he recovered the perfect use of his limb, and was for some years the most vigorous and healthy of the family. Towards the latter end of this year my father again entered the holy estate of matrimony, having been a widower a little more than a year and seven months. A few months after the death of my mother, Mr. Pawson had spoken to him on the propriety of a second marriage at a proper time; but perceiving that the bare mention of the subject painfully affected him, Mr. Pawson said no more. About a year afterwards, however, a variety of circumstances combined to convince my father that a second marriage to a suitable person would conduce not only to his own comfort and that of his children, but also to his usefulness in the church, and to the glory of God. Divine Providence led him to an acquaintance with Miss Lucy Hine, of Kingsland crescent, whose eldest sister some years after was married to the late Rev. Henry Moore. After due deliberation and prayer, with the advice of his valued and intimate friend Lomas and good Mr. Shadford, he made proposals, which were accepted; and although on account of his large family, he feared that her father, who was not a member of society, might object, his consent to the union was readily obtained. On the 15th of October they were married at Hackney Church. On their return from the church, they retired to pour out their souls before God in united prayer; and thus commenced their course as 'heirs together of the grace of life." My father remarks on the occasion : 66 "I believe this is one of the kindest dispensations of Divine Providence to me. O may I make suitable returns. May I be conscientious in the discharge of the relative duties of life toward my dear wife and other new relations. Now my mind is at rest again. I feel gratitude to God for his kindness to me, and rejoice in hope of future comfort and usefulness. May my remaining days be consecrated to Him. My dear Lucy has indeed undertaken a heavy charge. Six children must of necessity often try the temper of a mother: my dear Mary very frequently almost sunk in discouragement under the burden. I will endeavour to make it as easy to my dear Lucy as I possibly can, and trust the Lord will be her strong helper. "Now, as family cares are at least divided, I must give myself continually unto prayer and the ministry of the word. My new connexions promise much comfort; I be thankful for these rills of creature enjoyments, and improve them to the glory of God. may "Dec. 28.-Hitherto hath the Lord helped me. This time last year I sat alone in a state of gloomy widowhood. Now, blessed be God, I have a kind, affectionate, agreeable yoke-fellow. I enjoy domestic comfort to the full. I want nothing but more grace. Lord, help me to live to thee. 66 'Jan. 1, 1806.-We have entered upon another year, a year which is likely to produce great events. The affairs of the nation appear very dark. The clouds are gathering thick over us. Well, the Lord God omnipotent reigneth; and though clouds and darkness are round about him, righteousness and judgment are the habitation of his throne. It shall be well with the righteous. All things work together for good to them that love God.' May I love the Lord my God with all my heart, and serve him with all my strength. Amen. 66 Mon. Jan. 13.—I received information of mother Pawson's death: she departed last Saturday. After a life of great activity, she had a short illness of a few days only, when she departed in peace. Death removes one relation and friend after another. Hereby I am called to double my diligence, and live for eternity. O may my whole heart and life be consecrated to my God. O my Lord, when my last awful, honest hour shall come, may I be fully ready, and enter into the joy of my Lord. "Feb. 15.-I have heard of several preachers who are disabled and laid aside by affliction; and my dear uncle Pawson, who is of the number, will, I fear, soon be taken away from us. The church will sustain a heavy loss. However, the great Head of the church still lives. O may I depend on Him.” On the 25th of February, Mr. Entwisle received the following letter from Mr. Pawson, the last he ever received from him. "Wakefield, Feb. 23, 1806. "O MY BELOVED JOSEPH! "WHERE shall I begin to tell of the loving kindness of an infinitely kind and gracious God, extended to a poor weak and helpless worm. Oh! for this love let rocks and hills their endless silence break, and all harmonious tongues (mine in particular) the Saviour's praises speak.' O yes, my Saviour's praises speak! The pain and sickness I have been called to pass through, I cannot describe. Human language falls far too short. But the sweet peace, the heavenly tranquillity, the holy delight and heavenly joy, which my precious Saviour communicated to my soul, far, very far exceeds all description. This day fortnight, O with what rapture, with what supreme delight did I view my heavenly inheritance. My soul mounted up to the throne of God, my altogether lovely Saviour, the kingdom of immortal glory. The holy, happy spirits I saw worshipping at our Immanuel's feet, all ready to bid me welcome. In short, heaven itself surrounded me on every side. My beloved brother seemed to stand at my bed's feet. Nothing but my poor weeping wife, and a poor thin vail of flesh and blood, seemed to stand in my way. No, glory to God in the highest, no doubts, no clouds, no fears. No, all was quietness, and peace, and assurance for ever. "Last Sunday, I was very ill indeed. I said to the doctor, 'You know, Sir, that, from the beginning I have had no wish to recover; and now, I have no hope. I believe I shall die, and it would give me inexpressible pleasure to hear you say, that you have none either; and I believe you have very little. He then very honestly told me, he had very little hope, or rather none at all concerning me. But since then I have gained a little strength. But what shall I say? I am as weak as a child. Sickness, with violent retching, follows me very close, I assure you. This is the first, and perhaps will be the last letter I shall ever write. Well, be it so, I can hold out no more. I am quite done for. Ten thousand blessings attend you and yours. Amen. 66 I am your affectionate Uncle, "JOHN PAWSON." As soon after the receipt of this mournful intelligence |