who was so deaf that he couldn't hear the cars rattle, and always awed and bothered the stammerer into silence by saying "Hey?" in a very imperative tone, every time he got in the middle of a hard word, cocked his irascible head on one side as he saw this smile, and after listening intently to dead silence for a minute, suddenly broke out with such an emphatic, impatient, "Hey?" that everybody in the car started up and shouted, nervously and ungrammatically: "I didn't say nothing!" with the exception of the woman with the blue veil, who said: "I said nothing."

The fat old gentleman was a little annoyed and startled by such a chorus of responses, and fixing his gaze still more intently upon the thin man, said defiantly:

"Wha' say?"

"I-I-I-I w-w-wuh-wuh-wasn'-wasn'-I wasn' s-s-sp-speak—”

66

Hey?" roared the fat man.

"He wa'n't sayin' nauthin'," shouted the big rough man, nodding friendly encouragement to the thin man; "he hain't opened his mouth !" "Soap in the South ?" queried the fat old gentleman, impatiently. "Wha' for ?"

"Mouth, mouth," explained the precise woman, with impressive nicety. "He said 'opened his mouth.' The gentleman, seated directly opposite you was-"

"Offers to chew what?" cried the fat old gentleman in amazement.

"Sir," said the precise woman, "I made no

reference whatever to chewing. You certainly misunderstood me."

The thin man took courage from so many reinforcements, and broke in :

“ I-I-I-I d-d-d-dud-d-u-d-d-u-d-don't don'tI don't ch-ch-ch-"

"Hey?" shouted the fat gentleman.

"He don't chaw nauthin'!" roared the big rough man, in a voice that made the car windows rattle. "He wa'n't a talkin' when you shot off at him!"

"Who got off?" exclaimed the fat old gentleman. "Wha'd' he get off for?"

"You don't appear to comprehend clearly what he stated," shrieked the precise woman. "No person has left the train."

"Then wha'd' he say so for?" shouted the fat

man.

"Oh!" said the thin man, in a surprising burst of fluency; "he-he-de-d-d-did did-"

"Who did?" queried the fat man, talking louder than any one else.

"Num - num-num-num-n-no- nobody nobody. He he-d-d-d-d-dud-didn't didn't s-"

"Then wha' made you say he did?" howled the deaf man.

"You misunderstand him," interrupted the precise woman. "He was probably about to remark that no reference whatever had been intentionally made to the departure of any person from the train, when you interrupted him in the midst of an unfinished sentence, and hence ob

tained an erroneous impression of the tenor of his remarks. He meant no offense-'

"Know a fence ?" roared the fat man. "Of course I know a fence!"

"He hain't got middlin' good hearin'," yelled the big man, as apologetically as a steam whistle could have shrieked it. "Y'ears kind of stuffed

up!"

"Time to brush up?" cried the fat man. “Wha’ for?"

"No," shrieked the precise woman; "he remarked to the other gentleman that your hearing appeared to be rather defective."

"His father a detective?" hooted the fat gentleman, in amazement.

"N-n-n-n-nun-nun-no!" broke in the thin man; "h-h-h-h-huh-huh-he-s-s-sa-sa-said-said you ww-w-wuh was a little dud-dud-was a little deaf."

"Said I was a thief!" howled the fat man, a scarlet tornado of wrath; "said I was a thief! Wha'd'ye mean? Show him to me! Who says I'm a thief? Who says so?"

"Now," shouted the big rough man, "nobody don't say ye ain't no thief. I jest sayed as how we didn't git along very well. Ye see he," nodding to the thin man, "he can't talk very well, an'

"Wh-wh-wh-why c-c-can't I t-t-t-tut-tut-tuttalk?" broke in the thin man, white with rage. "I-I-I-I'd like t-t-to know wh-wh-wh-what's the reason I c-c-can't tut-tut-talk as w-w-w-well as

any bub-bub-body that's bub-bub-bub-been tuttut-talking on this car ever s-s-s-since the tut-tuttut "

"Hey?" roared the fat man, in an explosion of indignant suspicion.

"I was sayin'," howled the big rough man, "as how he didn't talk middlin' well-"

"Should say so," growled the fat man, in tones of intense satisfaction.

"An'," the big rough man went on, yelling with delight at having made the old party hear something, "an' you can't hear only tollable—" "Can't hear?" the fat old gentleman broke out in a resonant roar.

"Can't hear! Like to

know why I can't hear! Why can't I? If I couldn't hear better than half the people on this train I'd cut off my ears! Can't hear? It's news to me if I can't. I'd like to know who-" "Burlington!" yelled the brakeman. "Chang' car f'r Keokuk, Ceed Rap's an' For' Mad'son! This car f'r Omaha! Twen' mints f'r supper!"

And but for this timely interruption, I don't think our pleasant little party would have got out of that snarl this side of San Francisco.

R. J. Burdette.

UNCLE REUBEN'S BAPTISM.

He is an industrious colored man, living in a small cabin down the river; and his wife is a corpulent, good-natured woman, but very deaf.

Some weeks ago, Reuben began to ponder.

He had never been a bad darky; but he had never embraced Christianity, much to the sorrow of Aunt Susan, his wife, who has been prepared for heaven, lo, these many years past. The more he pondered, the more he became convinced that he ought to become a Christian; and Aunt Susan encouraged him with tender words and tearful eyes.

The old man came to town several days ago to see about joining a church, and was informed that he would have to be baptized before he could become a member. He didn't relish the idea much; but he informed his wife that he would consent; and she clasped her hands, and replied,

"Glory to Richmond! De angels am a-comin'!"

Uncle Reuben got the idea, the other day, that he'd like to try the water alone, before being publicly baptized; and while his wife was getting breakfast ready, he slipped down to the riverbank to take a preparatory dip. He removed his coat, hat, and boots, placed them on a log, and as he descended the bank, his broad feet slipped, and the convert came down on the back of his neck.

"What de debbil!"-he commenced, as he picked himself up; but suddenly remembering that he was soon to join the church, he checked himself, and remarked,

"I'm ashamed of dat; and I hope de angels will 'scuse me."