1775.

Diary continued.

January 13. This day, though much employed with God, I was much grieved with hardness of heart and unbelief. My heart would still pant after full communion with God; this only can satisfy my soul; but O my faith is greatly tried, by the accomplishment of the promises being so long delayed. I see, both from the word of God, and the experience of Christians in all ages, that this has generally been the case: they have been tried to the uttermost, before the Lord performed what he had spoken; especially when he was about to do any great work, either in them, or by them. Yet I am very impatient. Hope deferred maketh my heart sick. The trial of my faith is both precious and profitable; but it is also very painful: surely the blessing will be sweet, and very permanent, when it does come. Through the whole of this day, I was tempted to relinquish hope, and was ready to

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say, I shall never see the fulfilment of the promises. This was my infirmity, and though the Lord suffered me to cry long, yet at last he applied to my mind a comfortable passage to quiet my fears, and to strengthen my faith : "And a man shall be as a hiding-place from the wind, and a covert from the tempest; as rivers of water in a dry place; as the shadow of a great rock in a weary land." Delightful words; I have often experienced them true. Jesus hath been very precious to me, and clear to the eye of faith. Temporal things were also distressing to me. I had cried much to the Lord, and had obtained no answer, which greatly discouraged me; my hands were hanging down, and my knees waxing feeble: but concerning this also, his word brought relief: "I have been with thee in six troubles, and will not leave thee in the seventh." How great is his goodness. O Lord, when wilt thou enable me to make some small return, by loving thee with all my heart. O why dost thou keep a poor soul so long at such a painful distance from thee:-a soul that so ardently desires, and so constantly pants, for uninterrupted communion with thee; for power to walk with thee like Enoch of old. O have compassion on me, and bring me near.

22. Sunday. I have endured much anguish of spirit for some time. My heart has been, as it were, wrung within me through the cruel power of unbelief; I mean, as it relates to the accomplishment of precious promises. With

respect to my interest in Jesus, I bless the Father of mercies there is no uncertainty on

Jesus is in my

But this cannot afford me more

this subject all is clear, and heart the constant hope of glory. suffice; yet it ought, I think, to comfort than I seem willing to receive. Like the children of Israel, the bondage of corruption and unbelief is so galling, I cannot, through anguish of spirit, listen to any thing comfortable satan, also, is permitted to sift me as wheat; hitherto the Lord has prayed for me, else I had utterly failed. Yet, I have cause to sing of mercy, as well as of judgment. Notwithstanding my variegated distresses, the Lord hath brought many gracious promises, with peculiar force and sweetness, to my remembrance; both as it concerns myself and some of my near relations. O how thankful ought I to be: but, alas! my distress is so great, I fail much in this delightful duty. My heart feels more and more emptied of things below, they grow very insipid. This spiritual circumcision is truly painful, but I believe very necessary for the soul that would entirely be devoted to God. I wait for God-my soul doth wait; yea, in the midst of my distress it pants for him. I cannot live at this distance. I would fain hope rest and delivérance are at hand: matters appear to be approaching to a crisis. O that it might be now: Speak, Lord, for thy servant heareth.

February 1. Enjoyed precious means of grace to-day, which were in a measure profitable.

My heart panted after more of God, yet I met with a trial which felt severe. I was tempted to evil tempers; but enjoyed power to look to Jesus, and was delivered: they obtained no place in my heart. I never so clearly perceived the difference between temptation and sin. It made Jesus precious to my soul as a strong deliverer.

4. Found power to abide in prayer this morning. I felt several times as if inwardly warned to expect that something painful was about to happen; but I did not enough regard the secret intimation; and, therefore, did not arm myself as I ought to have done by prayer. When the trial came, I was hurried and unprepared, and did not as usual cry for the Lord's presence and direction, and I smarted for my folly and unfaithfulness. After it was begun, a horror seemed to seize my spirit. I then feared my foes, and looked to the Lord for help. He was gracious, and enabled me to cleave to himself, as a girdle to the loins of a man. By faith, I saw him that is invisible, and my soul felt sweetly and sensibly anchored within the vail. O how good is it to have Jesus for our friend in the time of trial, and to find him near for our assistance.

21. For some mornings, as soon as I awoke, my thoughts have sprung up to the beloved of my soul; and he has felt very nigh, Lately, I find most

and my hold of him strong. power to enjoy communion with God in meditation, in conversing with others on spiritual

subjects, in reading, and in ejaculatory prayer. Was enabled to-day, in some measure, to be faithful to God, though at the risk of losing the favour of man. Lord, make me more faithful. Have lately enjoyed more power to feed upon the promises; they are very sweet, and my faith in them rather increases.

24. A day of great indisposition of body, and much faintness in my spirit. None living have a greater call than I have to improve the moments of health allowed me; for when sick, I seem quite laid aside. O my God, give me power, and grace to use that power, to live

much in the time of health. But I would fain live alike to thee in sickness, as when in health. I find it more easy to do than to suffer the will of God. In all things let thy will take place in me. O subdue all things in me to thyself. Let me delight myself in thee, and to thee commit all my ways.

25. The Lord has in mercy raised me up again. O that I may be more than ever devoted to my God. A degree of languor through the day overspread my soul, yet I felt more of the spirit of devotion, more desire to call on God, and a greater relish for spiritual things. In this I differ from many others, for most people speak as if they were most serious when most afflicted; but, on the contrary, I feel most alive to God when I enjoy the largest measure of health.

March 7. For some time, I have enjoyed a