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witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men, I do here walk before thee, like a sow, that hath overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off, why then 1 have no judgment. Thou whoreson mandrake,1 thou art fitter to be worn in my cap, than to wait at my heels. I was never manned with an agate2 till now: but I will set you neither in gold nor silver, but in vile apparel, and send you back again to your master, for a jewel; the juvenal,3 the prince your master, whose chin is not yet fledged. I will sooner have a beard grow in the palm of my hand, than he shall get one on his cheek; and yet he will not stick to say, his face is a face-royal. God may finish it when he will, it is not a hair amiss yet: he may keep it still as a face-royal,4 for a barber shall never earn sixpence out of it; and yet he will be crowing, as if he had writ man ever since his father was a bachelor. He may keep his own grace, but he is almost out of mine, 1
can assure him. What said master Dumbleton about
the satin for my short cloak, and slops?
Page. He said, sir, you should procure him better assurance than Bardolph; he would not take his bond and yours; he liked not the security.
Fal. Let him be damned like the glutton! may his tongue be.hotter!5—A whoreson Achitophel! a rascally yea-forsooth knave! to bear a gentleman in hand,1 and then stand upon security!—The whoreson smoothpates do now wear nothing but high shoes, and bunches of keys at their girdles; and if a man is thorough2 with them in honest taking up, then they must stand upon—security. I had as lief they would put ratsbane m my mouth, as offer to stop it with security. I looked he should have sent me two-and-twenty yards of satin, as I am a true knight, and he sends me security. Well, he may sleep in security; for he hath the horn of abundance, and the lightness of his wife shines through it; and yet cannot he see, though he have his own lantern to light him. Where's Bardolph?
1 A root supposed to have the shape of a man. Quacks and impostors counterfeited, with the root briony, figures resembling parts of the human body, which were sold to the credulous as endued with specific virtues. * See sir Thomas Brown's Vulgar Errors, p. 72, edit. 1686.
2 An agate is used metaphorically for a very diminutive person, in allusion to the small figures cut in agate for rings and broaches.
3 Juvenal occurs in A Midsummer Night's Dream, and in Love's Labor's Lost. It is also used in many places by Chaucer for a young man,
4 Johnson says that, by & face-royal, Falstaff means a face exempt from the touch of vulgar hands. Steevens imagines that there may be a quibble intended on the coin called a real, or royal; that a barber can no more earn sixpence by his face, than by the face stamped on the coin, the one requiring as little shaving as the other. Mason thinks that Falstaff's conceit is, "If nothing be taken out of a royal, it will remain a royal still, as it was." The reader will decide for himself.
5 An allusion to the fate of the rich man, who had fared sumptuously every day, when he requested a drop of water to cool his tongue.
Page. He's gone into Smithfield, to buy your worship a horse.
Fal. I bought him in Paul's, and he'll buy me a horse in Smithfield; an I could get me but a wife in the stews, I were manned, horsed, and wived.
Enter the Lord Chief Justice,3 and an Attendant.
Page. Sir, here comes the nobleman that committed the prince for striking him about Bardolph.
Fal. Wait close, I will not see him.
Ch. Just. What's he that goes there?
Atten. Falstaff, an't please your lordship.
Ch. Just. He that was in question for the robbery?
Men. He, my lord; but he hath since done good service at Shrewsbury; and, as I hear, is now going with some charge to the lord John of Lancaster.
Ch. Just. What, to York? Call him back again.
Atten. Sir John Falstaff!
Fal. Boy, tell him I am deaf.
Page. You must speak louder; my master is deaf.
Ch. Just. I am sure he is, to the hearing of any
1 To bearin hand is to keep in expectation by false promises, ■'i.e. in their debt, by taking up goods on credit. He dTedXcf lzTJt ^ Gascoigne'chi^ J^tice of the King's Bench.
thing good.—-Go, pluck him by the elbow; I must speak with him.
Atten. Sir John,
Fal. What! a young knave, and beg! Is there not wars? is there not employment? Doth not the king lack subjects? do not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it.
Atten. You mistake me, sir.
Fal. Why, sir, did I say you were an honest man? Setting my knighthood and my soldiership aside, I had lied in my throat if I had said so.
Atten. I pray you, sir, then set your knighthood and your soldiership aside; and give me leave to tell you, you lie in your throat, if you say I am any other than an honest man.
Fal. I give thee leave to tell me so! I lay aside that which grows tome! If thou get'st any leave of me, hang me; if thou takest leave, thou wert better be hanged. You hunt counter;l hence! avaunt!
Atten. Sir, my lord would speak with you.
Ch. Just. Sir John Falstaff, a word with you.
Fal. My good lord!-—God give your lordship good time of day. I am glad to see your lordship abroad. I heard say, your lordship was sick: I hope your lordship goes abroad by advice. Your lordship, though not clean past your youth, hath yet some smack of age in you, some relish of the saltness of time; and I most humbly beseech your lordship, to have a reverend care of your health.
Ch. Just. Sir John, I sent for you before your expedition to Shrewsbury.
1 To hunt counter was to hunt the wrong way, to trace the scent backwards; to hunt it by the heel is the technical phrase. Falstaff means to tell the man that he is on a wrong scent. The folio and the modern editions print hunt-counter with a hyphen, so as to make it appear like a name; hut in the quartos the words are disjoined—hunt counter*
Fal. An't please your lordship, I hear, his majesty is returned with some discomfort from Wales.
Ch. Just. I talk not of his majesty.—You would not come when I sent for you.
Fal. And I hear, moreover, his highness is fallen into this same whoreson apoplexy.
Ch. Just. Well, Heaven mend him! I pray, let me speak with you.
Fal. This apoplexy is, as I take it, a kind of lethargy, an't please your lordship; a kind of sleeping in the blood, a whoreson tingling.
Ch. Just. What tell you me of it? be it as it is.
Fal. It hath its original from much grief; from study, and perturbation of the brain. I have read the cause of its effects in Galen; it is a kind of deafness.
Ch. Just. I think you are fallen into the disease; for you hear not what I say to you.
Fal.1 Very well, my lord, very well; rather, an't please you, it is the disease of not listening, the malady of not marking, that I am troubled withal.
Ch. Just. To punish you by the heels would amend the attention of your ears; and I care not, if I do become your physician.
Fal. I am as poor as Job, my lord; but not so patient. Your lordship may minister the potion of imprisonment to me, in respect of poverty; but how I should be your patient to follow your prescriptions, the wise may make some dram of a scruple, or, indeed, a scruple itself.
Ch. Just. I sent for you, when there were matters against you for your life, to come speak with me.
Fal. As I was then advised by my learned counsel in the laws of this land-service, I did not come.
Ch. Just. Well, the truth is, sir John, you live in great infamy.
1 In the quarto edition this speech stands thus :—
"Old. Very well, my lord, very well."
This is a strong corroboration of the tradition that Falstaff was first called Oldcastle.
VOL. IV. 3
Fal. He that buckles him in my belt, cannot live in less.
Ch. Just. Your means are very slender, and your waste is great.
Fal. I would it were otherwise; I would my means were greater, and my waist slenderer.
Ch. Just. You have misled the youthful prince.
Fal. The young prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the great belly, and he my dog.
Ch. Just. Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound; your day's service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night's exploit on Gad's-hill. You may thank the unquiet time for your quiet o'erposting that action.
Fal. My lord?
Ch. Just. But since all is well, keep it so; wake not a sleeping wolf.
Fal. To wake a wolf, is as bad as to smell a fox.
Ch. Just. What! you are as a candle, the better part burnt out.
Fal. A wassel candle,1 my lord; all tallow; if I did say of wax, my growth would approve the truth.
Ch. Just. There is not a white hair on your face, but should have his effect of gravity.
Fal. His effect of gravy, gravy, gravy.
Ch. Just. You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.
Fal. Not so, my lord; your ill angel is light;2 but, I hope, he that looks upon me, will take me without weighing: and yet, in some respects, I grant, I cannot go, I cannot tell.3 Virtue is of sq little regard in these coster-monger times, that true valor is turned bear-herd. Pregnancy4 is made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings; all the other gifts apper
1 A wassel candle is a large candle lighted up at a feast.
2 "As light as a clipped angel" is a comparison frequent in the old comedies.
3 I cannot tell, Johnson explains, "I cannot be taken in a reckoning, I cannot pass current." Mr. Gifford objects to this explanation, and says that it merely means "I cannot tell what to think of it"
4 Pregnancy is readiness.