lodgings as any in town; her Mortlake hangings, great glasses, cabinets, china, embroidered beds, Persia carpets, gold-plate, and the like, if she would have put herself forward. But your worship may please to make 'em remove to a place fit to receive one of your worship's quality; for this is a little scandalous, in truly. Gripe. No, no; I like it well enough :-I am not dainty. Besides, privacy, privacy, Mrs. Joyner! I love privacy in opposition to the wicked, who hate it. [Looks about. Joyn. What do you look for, sir? Gripe. Walls have ears; but, besides, I look for a private place to retire to, in time of need. Oh! here's one convenient. [Turns up a hanging, and discovers the slender provisions of the family.] Joyn. But you see, poor innocent souls, to what use they put it ;-not to hide gallants. Gripe. Temperance is the nurse of chastity. Joyn. But your worship may please to mend their fare; and, when you come, may make them entertain you better than, you see, they do themselves. Gripe. No, I am not dainty, as I told you. I abominate entertainments; no entertainments, pray, Mrs. Joyner. Joyn. No! [Aside. Gripe. There can be no entertainment to me more luscious and savoury than communion with that little gentlewoman.-Will you call her out? I fast till I see her. Joyn. But, in truly, your worship, we should have brought a bottle or two of Rhenish and some Naples biscuit, to have entertained the young gentlewoman. 'Tis the mode for lovers to treat their mistresses. Gripe. Modes! I tell you, Mrs. Joyner, I hate modes and forms. Joyn. You must send for something to entertain her with. Gripe. Again entertaining!-we will be to each other a feast. Joyn. I shall be ashamed, in truly, your worship. -Besides, the young gentlewoman will despise you. Gripe. I shall content her, I warrant you; leave it to me. Joyn. [Aside.] I am sure you will not content me, if you will not content her; 'tis as impossible for a man to love and be a miser, as to love and be wise, as they say. Gripe. While you talk of treats, you starve my eyes; I long to see the fair oue; fetch her hither. Joyn. I am ashamed she should find me so abominable a liar; I have so praised you to her, and, above all your virtues, your liberality; which is so great a virtue, that it often excuses youth, beauty, courage, wit, or anything. Gripe. Pish, pish! 'tis the virtue of fools; every fool can have it. Joyn. And will your worship want it then? I told her Gripe. Why would you tell her anything of me? you know I am a modest man. But come, you will have me as extravagant as the wicked, take that and fetch us a treat, as you call it. Joyn. Upon my life a groat! what will this purchase? Gripe. These useful old women are more exorbitant and craving in their desires than the young ones in theirs. These prodigals in white perukes spoil 'em both; and that's the reason, when the squires come under my clutches, I make 'em pay for their folly and mine, and 'tis but conscience-oh, here comes the fair one at last! Re-enter JOYNER leading in Lucy, who hangs backward as she enters. Lucy. Oh Lord, there's a man, godmother! Joyn. Come in, child, thou art so bashful — Lucy. My mother is from home too, I dare not. Joyn. If she were here, she'd teach you better manners. Lucy. I'm afraid she'd be angry. Joyn. To see you so much an ass.-Come along, I say. Gripe. Nay, speak to her gently; if you won't, I will. Lucy. Thank you, sir. Gripe. Pretty innocent! there is, I see, one left of her age; what hap have I! Sweet, little gentlewoman, come sit down by me. Lucy. I am better bred, I hope, sir. Joyn. A poor bashful girl, sir: I'm sorry she is not better taught. Gripe. I am glad she is not taught; I'll teach her myself. Lucy. Are you a dancing-master then, sir? But if I should be dull, and not move as you would have me, you would not beat me, sir, I hope ? Gripe. Beat thee, honeysuckle! I'll use thee thus, and thus, and thus. [Kisses her.] Ab, Mrs. Joyner, prithee go fetch our treat now. Joyn. A treat of a groat! I will not wag. Gripe. Why don't you go? Here, take more money, and fetch what you will; take here, half-a crown. Joyn. What will half-a-crown do? Gripe. Take a crown then, an angel, a piece ;— begone! Joyn. A treat only will not serve my turn; I must buy the poor wretch there some toys. Gripe. What toys? what? speak quickly. Joyn. Pendants, necklaces, fans, ribbons, points, laces, stockings, gloves Gripe. Hold, hold! before it comes to a gown. Joyn. Well remembered, sir; indeed she wants a gown, for she has but that one to her back. For your own sake you should give her a new gown, for variety of dresses rouses desire, and makes an old mistress seem every day a new one. Gripe. For that reason she shall have no new gown; for I am naturally constant, and as I am still the same, I love she should be still the same. But here, take half a piece for the other things. Joyn. Half a piece! Gripe. Prithee, begone!-take t'other piece then-two pieces-three pieces-five! here, 'tis all I have. Joyn. I must have the broad-seal ring too, or I stir not. Gripe. Insatiable woman! will you have that too! Prithee spare me that, 'twas my grandfather's. Joyn. That's false, he had ne'er a coat.-So! now I go; this is but a violent fit, and will not [Aside. Lucy. Oh! whither do you go, godmother? will you leave me alone? bold. Lucy. I don't see your fiddle, sir; where is your little kit? Gripe. I'll show it thee presently, sweetest.— [Sets a chair against the door].-Necessity, mother of invention!-Come, my dearest. [Takes her in his arms. Lucy. What do you mean, sir? don't hurt me, sir, will you-Oh! oh! you will kill me! Murder! murder!-Oh! oh!-help! help! oh! The door is broken open; enter Mrs. CROSSBITE, and her Cros. What, murder my daughter, villain! Lucy. Why would you go out, and leave me alone? unfortunate woman that I am! Gripe. How now, what will this end in? [Aside. Cros. Who brought him in? Lucy. That witch, that treacherous false woman, my godmother, who has betrayed me, sold me to his lust.-Oh! oh! Cros. Have you ravished my daughter then, you old goat? ravished my daughter!—ravished my daughter! speak, villain. Gripe. By yea and by nay, no such matter. Cros. A canting rogue, too! Take notice, landlord, he has ravished my daughter, you see her all in tears and distraction; and see there the wicked engine of the filthy execution.-[ Pointing to the chair.]-Jeremy, call up the neighbours, and the constable.-False villain! thou shalt die for it. Gripe. Hold! hold!-[Aside.] Nay, I am canght. Cros. Go, go, make haste Lucy. Oh! oh! Cros. Poor wretch!-Go quickly. Gripe. Hold hold !-Thou young spawn of the old serpent! wicked, as I thought thee innocent! wilt thou say I would have ravished thee? Lucy. I will swear you did ravish me. Gripe. I thought so, treacherous Eve!-then I Am gone, I must shift as well as I can. Lucy. Oh! oh! Cros. Will none of you call up the neighbours, and the authority of the alley? Gripe. Hold, I'll give you twenty mark among you to let me go. Cros. Villain! nothing shall buy thy life. Land. But stay, Mrs. Crossbite, let me talk with you. Gripe. How, how; will you not take a hundred? pray use conscience in your ways. Kneels to Mrs. CROSSBITE. Cros. I scorn your money! I will not take a thousand. Gripe. [Aside.] My enemies are many, and I shall be a scandal to the faithful, as a laughingstock to the wicked.-[Aloud.] Go, prepare your engines for my persecution; I'll give you the best security I can. Land. The instruments are drawing in the other room, if you please to go thither. Cros. Indeed, now I consider, a portion will do my daughter more good than his death. That would but publish her shame; money will cover it-probatum est, as they say. Let me tell you, sir, 'tis a charitable thing to give a young maid a portion. [Exeunt. SCENE IV.-LYDIA's Lodging. Enter LYDIA and my Lady FLIPPANT, attended by LEONORE, Lyd. 'Tis as hard for a woman to conceal her indignation from her apostate lover, as to conceal her love from her faithful servant. Flip. Or almost as hard as it is for the prating fellows now-a-days to conceal the favours of obliging ladies. Lyd. If Ranger should come up, (I saw him just now in the street,) the discovery of my anger to him now would be as mean as the discovery of my love to him before. Flip. Though I did so mean a thing as to love a fellow, I would not do so mean a thing as to confess it, certainly, by my trouble to part with him. If I confessed love, it should be before they left me. Lyd. So you would deserve to be left, before you were. But could you ever do so mean a thing as to confess love to any? Flip. Yes; but I never did so mean a thing as really to love any. Lyd. You had once a husband. Flip. Fy madam, do you think me so ill-bred as to love a husband? Lyd. You had a widow's heart, before you were a widow, I see. Flip. I should rather make an adventure of my honour with a gallant for a gown, a new coach, a necklace, than clap my husband's cheeks for them, or sit in his lap. I should be as ashamed to be caught in such a posture with a husband, as a caught on his knees at prayers-unless to his brisk well-bred spark of the town would be to be mistress. Enter RANGER and DApperwit. Lyd. Mr. Ranger 'twas obligingly done of you. Ran. Indeed, cousin, I had kept my promise with you last night, but this gentleman knows Lyd. You mistake me; but you shall not lessen any favour you do to me. You are going to excuse your not coming to me last night, when I take it as a particular obligation, that though you threatened me with a visit, upon consideration you were so civil as not to trouble me. Dap. This is an unlucky morning with me! here's my eternal persecution, the widow Flippant. Flip. What, Mr. Dapperwit! [Aside. [DAPPERWIT retires to the back of the stage, followed by FLIPPANT. Ran. Indeed, cousin, besides my business, another cause I did not wait on you was, my apprehension you were gone to the Park, notwithstanding your promise to the contrary. Lyd. Therefore, you went to the Park to visit me there, notwithstanding your promise to the contrary ? Ran. Who, I at the Park ! when I had promised to wait upon you at your lodging! But were you at the Park, madam? Lyd. Who, I at the Park! when I had promised to wait for you at home! I was no more at the Park than you were. Were you at the Park? Ran. The Park had been a dismal desert to me, notwithstanding all the good company in it, if I had wanted yours. Lyd. [Aside.] Because it has been the constant endeavour of men, to keep women ignorant, they think us so; but 'tis that increases our inquisitiveness, and makes us know them ignorant, as false. He is as impudent a dissembler as the widow Flippant, who is making her importunate addresses in vain, for aught I see. [FLIPPANT comes forward, driving DAPPERWIT from one side of the stage to the other. Lyd. Nay, pray take him with you, sir. Flip. No, sir, you shall not take the gentleman from his mistress.-[Aside to DAPPERWIT.] Do not go yet, sweet Mr. Dapperwit. Lyd. Take him with you, sir; I suppose his business may be there to borrow, or win money, and I ought not to be his hindrance: for when he has none, he has his desperate designs upon that little I have ;-for want of money makes as devout lovers as Christians. Dap. I hope, madam, he offers you no less security than his liberty. Lyd. His liberty is as poor a pawn to take up money on as honour. He is like the desperate bankrupts of this age, who, if they can get people's fortunes into their hands, care not though they spend them in jail all their lives. Flip. And the poor crediting ladies, when they have parted with their money, must be contented with a pitiful composition, or starre, for all them. Ran. But widows are commonly so wise as to be sure their men are solvable before they trust'em. Flip. Can you blame 'em! I declare, I will trust no man. Pray, do not take it ill, gentlemen : quacks in their bills, and poets in the titles of their plays, do not more disappoint us, than gallants with their promises; but I trust none. Dap. Nay, she's a very Jew in that particular. To my knowledge, she'll know her man, over and over again, before she trust him. Ran. Well, my dearest cousin, good-morrow. When I stay from you, so long again, blame me to purpose, and be extremely angry; for nothing can make me amends for the loss of your company, but your reprehension of my absence. I'll take such a chiding as kindly as Russian wives do beating. Lyd. If you were my husband, I could not take Flip. Dear Mr. Dapperwit! merciful Mr. Dap- your absence more kindly than I do. perwit! Dap. Unmerciful lady Flippant ! Flip. That a wit should be jealous! that a wit should be jealous! there's never a brisk young fellow in the town, though no wit, Heaven knows, but thinks too well of himself, to think ill of his wife or mistress. Now, that a wit should lessen his opinion of himself;-for shame! Dap. I promised to bring you off, but I find it enough to shift for myself [Softly, apart to RANGER. Lyd. What! out of breath, madam! Flip. I have been defending our cause, madam; I have beat him out of the pit. I do so mumble these prating, censorious fellows they call wits, when I meet with them. Dap. Her ladyship, indeed, is the only thing in petticoats I dread. 'Twas well for me there was company in the room; for I dare no more venture myself with her alone, than a cully that has been bit dares venture himself in a tavern with an old rook. Flip. I am the revenger of our sex, certainly. Dap. And the most insatiable one I ever knew, madam; I dare not stand your fury longer.-Mr. Ranger, I will go before and make a new appointment with your friends that expect you at dinner at the French-house: 'tis fit business still wait on love. Ran. Do so-but now I think on't, sir Thomas goes out of town this afternoon, and I shall not see him here again these three months. Ran. And if you were my wife, I would trust you as much out of my sight as I could, to show my opinion of your virtue. Flip. A well-bred gentleman, I warrant.-Will you go then, cruel Mr. Dapperwit ? [Exeunt RANGER and DAPPERWIT, followed by my Lady FLIPPANT. Lyd. Have I not dissembled well, Leonore ? Leo. But, madam, to what purpose? why do you not put him to his trial, and see what he can say for himself? Lyd. I am afraid lest my proofs, and his guilt, should make him desperate, and so contemn that pardon which he could not hope for. Leo. 'Tis unjust to condemn him before you hear him. Lyd. I will reprieve him till I have more evidence. Leo. How will you get it? Lyd. I will write him a letter in Christina's name, desiring to meet him; when I shall soon discover if his love to her be of a longer standing than since last night; and if it be not, I will not longer trust him with the vanity to think she gave him the occasion to follow her home from the Park; so will at once disabuse him and myself. Leo. What care the jealous take in making sure of ills which they, but in imagination, cannot undergo ! Lyd. Misfortunes are least dreadful when most SCENE I-A Room in GRIPE'S House. ACT IV. Enter Mrs. JOYNER and GRIPE, the latter in a blue gown and nightcap. Joyn. What, not well, your worship! This it is, you will be laying out yourself beyond your strength. You have taken a surfeit of the little gentlewoman, I find. Indeed you should not have been so immoderate in your embraces; your worship is something in years, in truly. Gripe. Graceless, perfidious woman! what makest thou here? art thou not afraid to be used like an informer, since thou hast made me pay thee for betraying me? Joyn. Betray your worship! what do you mean? I an informer ! I scorn your words! Gripe. Woman, I say again, thou art as treacherous as an informer, and more unreasonable; for he lets us have something for our money before he disturb us. Joyn. Your money, I'm sure, was laid out faithfully; and I went away because I would not disturb you. Gripe. I had not grudged you the money I gave you but the five hundred pounds! the five hundred pounds! Inconscionable, false woman, the five hundred pounds!-You cheated, trepanned, robbed me, of the five hundred pounds! Joyn. I cheat you! I rob you !-well, remember what you say, you shall answer it before Mr. Doublecap and the best of— Gripe. Oh, impudent woman, speak softly! Joyn. I will not speak softly; for innocence is loud as well as barefaced. Is this your return, after you have made me a mere drudge to your filthy lusts! Gripe. Speak softly; my sister, daughter, and servants, will hear. Joyn. I would have witnesses, to take notice that you blast my good name, which was as white as a tulip, and as sweet as the head of your cane, before you wrought me to the carrying on the work of your fleshly carnal seekings. Gripe. Softly! softly! they are coming in. Flip. What's the matter, brother? Gripe. Nothing, nothing, sister, only the godly woman is fallen into a fit of zeal against the enormous transgressions of the age. Go! go! you do not love to hear vanity reproved; pray begone! Joyn. Pray stay, madam, that you may knowGripe. [Aside to JOYNER.] Hold! hold! here are five guineas for thee,- pray say nothing.Aloud.] Sister, pray begone, I say.-[Exeunt FLIPPANT and MARTHA.] Would you prejudice your own reputation to injure mine? Jeyn. Would you prejudice your own soul to wrong my repute, in truly ? [Pretends to weep. Gripe. Pray have me in excuse. Indeed, I thought you had a share of the five hundred pounds, because you took away my seal-ring; which they made me send, together with a note to my cashkeeper for five hundred pounds. Besides, I thought none but you knew it was my wonted token to send for money by. Joyn. 'Tis unlucky I should forget it, and leave it on the table !-But oh the harlotry! did she make that use of it then? 'twas no wonder you did not stay till I came back. Gripe. I stayed till the money released me. Joyn. Have they the money, then? five hundred pounds! Gripe. Too certain. Joyn. They told me not a word of it; and have you no way to retrieve it? Gripe. Not any. Joyn. [Aside.] I am glad of it.-[Aloud.] Is there no law but against saints? Gripe. I will not for five hundred pounds publish my transgression myself, lest I should be thought to glory in't though, I must confess, 'twould tempt a man to conform to public praying and sinning, since 'tis so chargeable to pray and sin in private. Joyn. But are you resolved to give off a loser? Gripe. How shall I help it? Joyn. Nay, I'll see you shall have what the young jade has, for your money: I'll make 'em use some conscience, however.-Take a man's money for nothing! Gripe. Thou sayest honestly, indeed. And shall I have my pennyworths out of the little gentlewoman for all this? Joyn. I'll be engaged body for body for her, and you shall take the forfeiture on me else. Gripe. No, no, I'll rather take your word, Mrs. Joyner. Joyn. Go in and dress yourself smug, and leave the rest to me. Gripe. No man breathing would give-off a loser, as she says. [Exeunt. SCENE II.-Another Room in the same. Sir SIMON ADDLEPLOT discovered sitting at a desk writing as a Clerk, my Lady FLIPPANT jogging him. Sir Sim. 'Tis a lord's mortgage, and therefore requires the more haste :-pray do not jog me, madam. Flip. Dull rascal ! [Aside. Sir Sim. They cannot stay for money as other folks. If you will not let me make an end on't, I shall lose my expedition-fee. Flip. There are some clerks would have understood me before this. [Aside. Sir Sim. Nay, pray be quiet, madam; if you squeeze me so to the wall, I cannot write. Flip. [Aside.] 'Tis much for the honour of the gentlemen of this age, that we persons of quality are forced to descend to the importuning of a clerk, a butler, coachman, or footman; while the rogues are as dull of apprehension, too, as an unfledged country squire amongst his mother's maids! [Jogs him again. Sir Sim. Again! Let me tell you, madam, familiarity breeds contempt: you'll never leave till you have made me saucy. Flip. I would I could see that. Sir Sim. I vow and swear then, get you gone! or I'll add a black patch or two to those on your face.-[Aside.] I shall have no time to get Mrs. Martha out, for her. Flip. Will you, sir, will you! [Jogs him again. Sir Sim. [Aside.] I must have a plot for her, she is a coy woman.-[Aloud.] I vow and swear if you pass this crevice, I'll kiss you in plain English. Flip. I would I could see that!-do you defy me! [Steps to him-he kisses her. Sir Sim. [Aside.] How's this! I vow and swear, she kisses as tamely as Mrs. Ticklish, and with her mouth open too. Flip. I thought you would have been ashamed to have done so to your master's own sister! Sir Sim. I hope you'll be quiet now, madam ? Flip. Nay, I'll be revenged of you sure. Sir Sim. If you come again, I shall do more to you than that.-[Aside.] I'll pursue my plot and try if she be honest. Flip. You do more to me than that! nay, if you'll do more to me than that [She throws down his ink and runs out, he following her. Sir Sim. Nay, this hand can tell— Sir Sim. She threw down my ink-glass, and ran away into the next room; I followed her, and, in revenge, threw her down upon the bed :-but, in short, all that I could do to her would not make her squeak. Joyn. She was out of breath, man, she was out of breath. Sir Sim. Ah, Mrs. Joyner, say no more, say no more of that! Re-enter FLIPPANT. Flip. You rude, unmannerly rascal! Joyn. You see she complains now. Sir Sim. I know why, Mrs. Joyner, I know whv. [Aside to JOYNER. Flip. I'll have you turned out of the house; your are not fit for my brother's service. Sir Sim. Not for yours, you mean, madam. [Aside. Flip. I'll go and acquaint my brotherJoyn. [Aside to FLIPPANT.] Hold, hold, madam, speak not so loud :-'tis sir Simon Addleplot, your lover, who has taken this disguise on purpose to be near you, and to watch and supplant his rival. Flip. What a beast was I, I could not discover it! you have undone me! why would you not tell me sooner of it? [Aside to JOYNER, Joyn. I thought he had been discernible enough. Flip. I protest, I knew him not; for I must confess to you, my eyes are none of the best since I have used the last new wash of mercury-water.What will he think of me! Joyn. Let me alone with him.-[ To Sir SIMON.] Come, come, did you think you could disguise yourself from my lady's knowledge? she knew you man, or else you had ne'er had those liberties. Alas, poor lady, she cannot resist you! Flip. 'Tis my weakness. Sir Sim. How's this!-but here comes my master. Enter GRIPE and MARTHA. Gripe. Come, Mrs. Joyner, are you ready to go? Joyn. I am ever ready when your worship com. mands. Flip. Brother, if you go to t'other end of the town, you'll set me down near the playhouse? Gripe. The playhouse! do you think I will be seen near the playhouse? Flip. You shall set me down in Lincoln's-innfields, then; for I have earnest business there.[ Apart to Sir SIMON.] When I come home again, I'll laugh at you soundly, sir Simon. Sir Sim. Has Joyner betrayed me then! 'tis time to look to my hits. [Aside. Gripe. Martha, be sure you stay within now. If you go out, you shall never come into my doors again. Mar. No, I will not, sir; I'll ne'er come into your doors again, if once I should go out. Gripe. 'Tis well said, girl. [Exeunt GRIPE, JOYNER, and FLIPPANT Sir Sim. 'Twas prettily said: I understand you, they are dull and have no intrigue in 'em. But dear, sweet Mrs. Martha, 'tis time we were gone; you have stole away your scarfs and hood from your maid, I hope? Mar. Nay, I am ready, but Sir Sim. Come, come, sir Simon Addleplot, poor gentleman, is an impatient man, to my knowledge. Mar. Well, my venture is great, I'm sure, for a man I know not. But pray, Jonas, do not deceive me; is he so fine a gentleman, as you say he is? Sir Sim. Pish! pish! he is the gentleman of the town, faith and troth. Mar. But may I take your word, Jonas? Sir Sim. 'Tis not my word, 'tis the word of all the town. Mar. Excuse me, Jonas, for that:-I never heard any speak well of him but Mr. Dapperwit and you. Sir Sim. That's because he has been a rival to all men, and a gallant to all ladies. Rivals and deserted mistresses never speak well of a man. Mar. Has he been so general in his amours? his kindness is not to be valued then. Sir Sim. The more by you; because 'tis for you he deserts all the rest, faith and troth. Mar. You plead better for him than he could for himself, I believe; for, indeed, they say he is no better than an idiot. Sir Sim. Then, believe me, madam-for nobody knows him better than I-he has as much wit, courage, and as good a mien to the full, as I have. -He an idiot! Mar. The common gull; so perspicuous a fop, the women find him out :-for none of 'em will marry him. Sir Sim. You may see, now, how he and you are abused. For that he is not married, is a sign of his wit; and for being perspicuous, 'tis false; he is as mysterious as a new parliament-man, or a |