Æsop. 'Tis an honest profession. I hope, sir, for the general good of mankind, you are in some public employment.

Gent. So I am, sir; no thanks to the court.
Esop. You are then, I suppose, employed by
Gent. My country.

Esop. Who have made you-
Gent. A senator.

Esop. Sir, I reverence you.

[Bowing.

Gent. Sir, you may reverence as low as you please; but I shall spare none of you. Sir, I am entrusted by my country with above ten thousand of their grievances, and in order to redress 'em, my design is to hang ten thousand courtiers.

Esop. Why, 'tis making short work, I must confess. But are you sure, sir, that would do't? Gent. Sure!-ay, sure. Esop. How do you know?

Gent. Why, the whole country says so, and I at the head of 'em. Now let me see who dares say the contrary.

Æsop. Not I, truly. But, sir, if you won't take it ill, I'll ask you a question or two.

Gent. Sir, I shall take ill what I please; and if you, or e'er a courtier of you all, pretend the contrary, I say it's a breach of privilege., Now put your question, if you think fit.

Esop. Why then, sir, with all due regard to your character, and your privilege too, I would be glad to know what you chiefly complain of?

Gent. Why, sir, I do chiefly complain, that we have a great many ships, and very little trade; a great many tenants, and very little money; a great many soldiers, and very little fighting; a great many gazettes, and little good news; a great many statesmen, and very little wisdom; a great many parsons, and not an ounce of religion.

Esop. Why truly, sir, I do confess these are grievances very well worth your redressing. I perceive you are truly sensible of our diseases, but I'm afraid you are a little out in the cure.

Gent. Sir, I perceive you take me for a country physician but you shall find, sir, that a country doctor is able to deal with a court quack; and to show you that I do understand something of the state of the body politic, I will tell you, sir, that I have heard a wise man say, the court is the stomach of the nation, in which, if the business be not thoroughly digested, the whole carcass will be in disorder. Now, sir, I do find by the latitude of the members, and the vapours that fly into the head, that this same stomach is full of indigestions, which must be removed. And therefore, sir, I am come post to town with my head full of crocus metallorum, and design to give the court a vomit.

Esop. Sir, the physic you mention, though necessary sometimes, is of too violent a nature to

be used without a great deal of caution. I'm afraid you are a little too rash in your prescriptions. Is it not possible you may be mistaken in the cause of the distemper?

Gent. Sir, I do not think it possible I should be mistaken in anything.

Esop. Have you been long a senator?
Gent. No, sir.

Esop. Have you been much about town?
Gent. No, sir.

Esop. Have you conversed much with men of business?

Gent. No, sir.

Esop. Have you made any serious inquiry into the present disorders of the nation? Gent. No, sir.

Esop. Have you ever heard what the men now employed in business have to say for themselves?

Gent. No, sir.

Esop. How then do you know they deserve to be punished for the present disorders in your affairs Gent. I'll tell you how I know.

Esop. I would be glad to hear.

Gent. Why, I know by this-I know it, I say. by this that I'm sure on't.-And to give y demonstration that I'm sure on't, there's not one man in a good post in the nation-but I'd give my vote to hang him. Now I hope you are convinced.

Esop. As for example: the first minister f state, why would you hang him?

Gent. Because he gives bad counsel.
Esop. How do you know?
Gent. Why they say so.

Esop. And who would you put in his room?
Gent. One that would give better.
Esop. Who's that?

Gent. Myself.

Esop. The secretary of state, why would you hang him?

Gent. Because he has not good intelligence. Esop. How do you know ?

Gent. I have heard so.

Esop. And who would you put in his place? Gent. My father.

Esop. The treasurer, why would you hang him Gent. Because he does not understand his basi

Gent. My brother.

Esop. And the general, why would you hang him Gent. Because he took ne'er a town last cam paign.

Esop. And how do you know 'twas in his postr Gent. Why I don't care a souse whether it w in his power or not. But I have a son at bone, brave chopping lad; he's been captain in the litia these twelve months, and I'd be glad to him in his place. What do ye stare for, sir? Egad I tell you he'd scour all to the devil. He Numphs is downright, that's his play. You none of your fencers, none of your sa-sam

see his courage in his face: he has a pair of cheeks like two bladders, a nose as flat as your hand, and a forehead like a bull.

Esop. In short, sir, I find if you and your family were provided for, things would soon grow better than they do.

Gent. And so they would, sir. Clap me at the head of the state, and Numphs at the head of the army; he with his club-musket, and I with my club-headpiece, we'd soon put an end to your business.

Esop. I believe you would indeed. And there. fore since I happen to be acquainted with your extraordinary abilities, I am resolved to give the king an account of you, and employ my interest with him, that you and your son may have the posts you desire.

Gent. Will you, by the Lord?-Give me your fist, sir-the only honest courtier that ever I met with in my life.

Esop. But, sir, when I have done you this mighty piece of service, I shall have a small request to beg of you, which I hope you won't refuse me. Gent. What's that?

Esop. Why 'tis in behalf of the two officers who are to be displaced to make room for you and

your son.

Gent. The secretary and the general ?

Esop. The same. 'Tis pity they should be quite out of business; I must therefore desire you'll let me recommend one of 'em to you for four bailiff, and t'other for your huntsman. Gent. My bailiff and my huntsman !-Sir, that's not to be granted.

Esop. Pray, why?

Gent. Why because one would ruin my land, nd t'other would spoil my fox-hounds. Esop. Why do you think so?

Gent. Why do I think so!-These courtiers vill ask the strangest questions !-Why, sir, do ou think that men bred up to the state and the my, can understand the business of ploughing nd bunting?

Esop. I did not know but they might. Gent. How could you think so? Esop. Because I see men bred up to ploughing nd hunting, understand the business of the state nd the army.

Gent. I'm shot-I ha'nt one word to say for yself-I never was so caught in my life. Esop. I perceive, sir, by your looks what I ave said has made some impression upon you; nd would perhaps do more if you would give it ave.-[Taking his hand.] Come, sir, though I m a stranger to you, I can be your friend; my avour at court does not hinder me from being a over of my country. 'Tis my nature as well as rinciples to be pleased with the prosperity of nankind. I wish all things happy, and my study s to make them so. The distempers of the overnment (which I own are great) have emloyed the stretch of my understanding, and he deepest of my thoughts, to penetrate the ause, and to find out the remedy. But, alas! all the product of my study is this:—that I find there is too near a resemblance between the diseases of the state and those of the body, for the most xpert minister to become a greater master in one than the college is in t'other: and how far their skill extends you may see by this lump upon my

back. Allowances in all professions there must be, since 'tis weak man that is the weak professor. Believe me, senator, for I have seen the proof on't; the longest beard amongst us is a fool. Could you but stand behind the curtain, and there observe the secret springs of state, you'd see in all the good or evil that attends it, ten ounces of chance for one grain either of wisdom or roguery. You'd see, perhaps, a venerable statesman Sit fast asleep in a great downy chair; Whilst in that soft vacation of his thought, Blind chance (or what at least we blindly call so) Shall so dispose a thousand secret wheels, That when he wakes he needs but write his name, To publish to the world some bless'd event, For which his statue shall be raised in brass. Perhaps a moment thence you shall behold him Torturing his brain; his thoughts all stretch'd upon The rack for public service: the livelong night, When all the world's at rest,

Consumed in care, and watching for their safety,
When by a whirlwind in his fate,

In spite of him some mischief shall befal 'em,
For which a furious sentence straight shall pass,
And they shall vote him to the scaffold.
Even thus uncertain are rewards and punishments;
And even thus little do the people know
When 'tis the statesman merits one or t'other.

Gent. Now I do believe I am beginning to be a wise man; for I never till now perceived I was a fool. But do you then really believe, sir, our men in business do the best they can ?

Esop. Many of 'em do: some perhaps do not. But this you may depend upon; he that is out of business is the worst judge in the world of him that is in first, because he seldom knows anything of the matter: and, secondly, because he always desires to get his place.

:

Gent. And so, sir you turn the tables upon the plantiff, and lay the fool and knave at his door. Esop. If I do him wrong, I'm sorry for't. Let him examine himself, he'll find whether I do [Exit.

or not.

Gent. Examine !-I think I have had enough of that already. There's nothing left, that I know of, but to give sentence: and truly I think there's no great difficulty in that. A very pretty fellow I am indeed! Here am I come bellowing and roaring two hundred miles post to find myself an ass; when with one quarter of an hour's consideration I might have made the self-same discovery, without going over my threshold. Well! if ever they send me on their errand to reform the state again, I'll be damned. But this I'll do: I'll go home and reform my family if I can: them I'm sure I know. There's my father's a peevish old coxcomb: there's my uncle's a drunken old sot: there's my brother's a cowardly bully: son Numphs is a lubberly whelp: I've a great ramping daughter, that stares like a heifer; and a wife's that's a slatternly sow. [Exit.

SCENE III.

Enter a young, gay, airy Beau, who stands smiling contemptibly upon Æsop.

Æsop. Well, sir, what are you?
Bean. A fool.

Esop. That's impossible; for if thou wer't thou'dst think thyself a wise man.

Esop. What is't?

Beau. I don't know the name on't.

Esop. You know the business on't, I hope ? Beau. That I do the business of it is-to

put in a deputy, and receive the money.

Esop. Pray what may be your name?
Beau. Empty.

Esop. Where do you live?

Beau. In the side-box.

Esop. What do you do there?

Beau. I ogle the ladies.

Esop. To what purpose?

Beau. To no purpose.

Esop. Why then do you do it?

Beau. Because they like it, and I like it.
Esop. Wherein consists the pleasure?
Beau. In playing the fool.

Æsop. Pray sir, what age are you?

Beau. Five-and-twenty, my body; my head's about fifteen.

Esop. Is your father living?

Beau. Dead, thank God.

Esop. Has he been long so?

Beau. Positively yes.

Esop. Where were you brought up?

Beau. At school.

Esop. What school?

Beau. The school of Venus.

Æsop. Were you ever at the university?
Beau. Yes.

Esop. What study did you follow there?
Beau. My bedmaker.

Esop. How long did you stay?

Beau. Till I had lost my maidenhead.
Esop. Why did you come away?

Beau. Because I was expelled.

Esop. Where did you go then?
Beau. To court.

Esop. Who took care of 'your education there?
Beau. A whore and a dancing-master.

Æsop. What did you gain by them?

Beau. A minuet and the pox.

Æsop. Have you an estate?

Esop. And pray what sort of wife would you be willing to throw yourself away upon ?

Beau. Why, upon one that has youth, beauty, quality, virtue, wit, and money.

Esop. And how may you be qualified yourself, to back you in your pretensions to such a one?

Beau. Why, I am qualified with-a periwigsnuff box-a feather-a-smooth face-a fool's head -and a patch.

Æsop. But one question more: what settlements can you make?

Beau. Settlements !-why, if she be a very great heiress indeed, I believe I may settle-myself upon her for life, and my pox upon her children for

ever.

Æsop. 'Tis enough; you may expect I'll serve you, if it lies in my way. But I would not have you rely too much upon your success, because people sometimes are mistaken; as for example

An ape there was of nimble parts,
A great intruder into hearts,
As brisk, and gay, and full of air,
As you, or I, or any here;

Rich in his dress, of splendid show,
And with a head like any beau :
Eternal mirth was in his face;
Where'er he went,

He was content,

So Fortune had but kindly sent
Some ladies-and a looking-glass.
Encouragement they always gave him,
Encouragement to play the fool;
For soon they found it was a tool,
Would hardly be so much in love,
But that the mumbling of a glove,
Or tearing of a fan, would save him.

These bounties he accepts as proof
Of feats done by his wit and youth;
He gives their freedom gone for ever,
Concludes each female heart undone,
Except that very happy one,

To which he'd please to do the favour.

In short, so smooth his matters went,

He guess'd, where'er his thoughts were bent, The lady he must carry.

So put on a fine new cravat,

He comb'd his wig, he cock'd his hat,

And gave it out he'd marry.

But here, alas! he found to's cost,
He had reckon'd long without his host:
For wheresoe'er he made the attack,
Poor pug with shame was beaten back.

The first fair she he had in chace,
Was a young cat, extremely rich,
Her mother was a noted witch;
So had the daughter proved but civil,
He had been related to the devil.

But when he came

To urge his flame,

She scratch'd him o'er the face.

With that he went among the bitches,
Such as had beauty, wit, and riches,
And swore Miss Maulken, to her cost,
Should quickly see what she had lost :
But the poor unlucky swain
Miss'd his shepherdess again;
His fate was to miscarry.
It was his destiny to find,

That cats and dogs are of a mind,
When monkeys come to marry.

Beau. 'Tis very well ;-'tis very well, old spark; I say 'tis well. Because I han't a pair of plod very shoes and a dirty shirt, you think a woman won't venture upon me for a husband. Why now to show you, old father, how little you philosophers know of the ladies-I'll tell you an adventure of a friend of mine.

A band, a bob-wig, and a feather,
Attack'd a lady's heart together;
The band in a most learned plea,
Made up of deep philosophy,

Told her, if she would please to wed
A reverend beard, and take instead
Of vigorous youth,

Old solemn truth,

With books and morals into bed,
How happy she would be.

The Bob he talk'd of management,
What wondrous blessings heaven sent
On care, and pains, and industry;
And truly he must be so free,
To own he thought your airy beaux,
With powder'd wigs and dancing shoes,
Were good for nothing (mend his soul!)
But prate, and talk, and play the fool.

He said 'twas wealth gave joy and mirth,
And that to be the dearest wife
Of one who labour'd all his life,
To make a mine of gold his own,
And not spend sixpence when he'd done,
Was heaven upon earth.

When these two blades had done, d'ye see,
The feather (as it might be me)
Steps out, sir, from behind the screen,
With such an air, and such a mien,
Look you, old gentleman, in short,
He quickly spoil'd the statesman's sport.
It proved such sunshine weather,
That you must know, at the first beck
The lady leap'd about his neck,

And off they went together.

There's a tale for your tale, old dad, and so

serviteur !

[Exit.

You dread reformers of an impious age,
You awful cat-a-nine tails to the stage,
This once be just, and in our cause engage.
To gain your favour, we your rules obey,
And treat you with a moral piece to-day;
So moral, we're afraid 'twill damn the play.
For though ye have long been leagued (as people
tell)

To reduce the power exorbitant of hell;
No troops you send, to abate it in this field,
But leave us still exposed, to starve or yield.
Your scouts indeed sometimes come stealing in,
To observe this formidable camp of sin,
And whisper, if we'll piously declare,

Rig out your wives and daughters all around,
(I mean who are fit for service, tight and sound)
And for a proof our meaning is sincere,
See but the ships are good, and if you fear
A want of equipage, we'll man them here.

These are the terms, on which you may engage
The poet's fire, to batter from the stage.
Useful ally! whose friendship lets you in
Upon the weak and naked side of sin;
Against your old attack, the foe's prepared,
Well fortified, and always on his guard :
The sacred shot you send are flung in vain;
By impious hands, with insolent disdain,
They're gather'd up, and fired at you again.

the war.

To this we answer, We're a feeble state,
And cannot well afford to love or hate,
So should not meddle much in your debate.

But since your cause is good, thus far we'll

go,

When Portugal declares, we'll do so too.
Our cases, as we think, are much alike,
And on the same conditions we should strike;
Send to their aid a hundred men-of-war,
To ours a hundred squadrons of the fair;

In slaughter, blood, and wounds, and pious snares, Ye have made a Flanders war these fifteen hundred