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He said, “That the next Tuesday noon would Jolt, thinking marriage was decreed by Fate, show
Wrich sbows us whom to love, and whom to hate, Whether he were the lord at home, or no; To a young, handsome, jolly lass, made court, When their good company he would entreat
And gave his friends conriocing reasons fort, To well-brew'd ale, and clean, if homely, meat.”
That, since in life such mischief must he had, With aching heart home to his wife he goes,
Beauty had something still that was not bad. And on his knees does his rash act disclose,
Within two months, Fortune was pleas'd to send And prays dear Sukey, that, one day at least,
A tinker to Clod's house, with “ Brass to mend." He might appear as master of the feast. [sec The good old wife survey'd the brawny spark, “I'll grant your wish,” cries she, “ that you may And found his chine was large, though counte. 'Twere wisdom to be govern'd still by me.”
nance dark. The guests upon the day appointed came,
First she appears in all her airs, then tries Each buwsy farmer with his simpering dame,
The squinting efforts of her amorous eyes. “ Ho! Sue !" cries Slouch,“ why dost not thou Much time was spent, and much desire exprest: appear!
At last the tiuker cried, “ Few words are best: Are these thy manners when aunt Snap is bere?” Give me that skillet tben; and, if I'm true,
I pardon ask," says Sue; “ I'd not offend I dearly earn it for the work I do." ;
goes, Slouch by his kinsman Gruffy had been taught With the same stroke of pan, and twang of nose, To entertain his friends with finding fault,
Till he at Jolt's beheld a sprightly dame And make the main ingredient of his treat
That set his native vigour all on flame. His saying, “There was nothing fit to eat :
He looks, sighs, faints, at last begins to cry, The boild pork stinks, the roast beef's not enough,
“ And can you then let a young tinker die!" The bacon's rusty, and the hens are tough ;
Says she, “Give me your skillet then, and try.” 'The veal's all rags, the butter's turn'd to oil;
“My skillet! Both my heart and skillet take; And thus I buy good meat for sluts to spoil.
I wish it were a copper for your sake.” 'Tis we are the first Slouches ever sate
After all this, not many days did pass, Down to a pudding without plumbs or fat.
Clod, sitting at Jolt's house, survey'd the brass What teeth or stomach's strong enough to feed
And glittering pewter standing on the shelf; Upon a goose my grannum kept to breed? Then, after some gruff muttering with himself, Why must old pigeons, and they stale, be drest,
Cried, “ Prythee, Jolt, how came that skillet When there's so many squab ones in the nest ?
thine >> This beer is sour; this musty, thick, and stale,
“ You know as well as I," quoth Jolt;
“ t'en't And worse than any thing, except the ale.”
[matter Sue all this while many excuses made :
But I'll ask Nan." 'Twas done; Nan told the Some things she own'd; at other times she laid
In truth as 'twas; then cried, “ You've got the The fault on chance, but oftener on the maid.
better: Then cheese was brought. Says Slouch, “ This Por, tell me, dearest, whether you would chuse e'en shall roll:
To be a gainer by me, or to lose. I'm sure 'tis hard enough to make a bowl:
As for our neighbour Clod, this I dare say,
We've beauty and a skillet more than they."
Tom Banks by native industry was taught Then in an entry, standing close, where he The various arts how fishes might be caught. Alone, and none of all his friends, ipight see; Sometimes with trembling reed and single hair, And brandishing a cudgel he had felt,
And bait conceal'd, he'd for their death prepare, And far enough on this occasion smelt;
With melancholy thoughts and downcast eyes, “ I'll try, my joy!” she cried, “if I can please Expecting till deceit had gain d its prize. My dearest with a taste of his old cheese!"
Sometimes in rivulet quick, and water clear, Slouch turn'd his head, saw his wife's vigorous They'd meet a fate more generous from his spear. Wielding her oaken sapling of command, [hand | To basket oft he'd pliant oziers turn, Knew well the twang: “Is't the old cheese, my Where they might entrance find, but no return. dear?
H's net well pois'd with lead he'd sometimes throw, No need, no need of cheese,” cries Slouch : “I'll Encireling thus his captives all below. swear,
But, when he would a quick destruction make,
He'd through the stream, where most descending,
And then his rustic crew with mighty poles
Would drive bis prey out from their oozy holes,
And so pursue them down the rolling flood, Two neighbours, Clod and Jolt, would married be; Gasping for breath, and almost choak'd with mud, But did not in their choice of wives agree.
Till they, of farther passage quite bereft, Clod thought a cuckold was a monstrous beast,
Were in the mash with gills entangled left. With two huge glaring eyes and spreading crest : Trot, who liv'd down the stream, ne'er thought Therefore, resolving never to be such,
his beer Married a wife none but himself could touch. Was good, unless he had his water clear.
He goes to Banks, and thus begins his tale: As to the taper, it could be no theft,
As void of money as he was of care,
With Strap the constable by fortune meets, Yet't'en't my fault; but so 'tis Fortune tries one, Whose lanterns glare in the most silent streets. To make his meat' become his neighbour's poison; Resty, impatient any one should be And so we pray for winds upon this coast, So bold as to be drunk that night but he: By which on t'other navies may be lost.
“ Stand; who goes there,” cried Strap, " at Therefore in patience rest, though I proceed :
hours so late? There's no ill-nature in the case, but need. Answer. Your name; or else have at your pate."Though for your use this water will not serve, “I wo'nt stand, 'cause I can't. Why must you I'd rather you should choak, than I should starve.”
know From whence it is I come, or where I go?" “ See here my staff,” cries Strap; trembling
behold A CASE OF CONSCIENCE.
Its radiant paint, and ornamental gold: Old Paddy Scot, with none of the best faces, Wooden authority when thus I wield, Had a most kuotty pate at solving cases;
Persons of all degrees obedience yield. In any point could tell you, to a hair,
Then, be you the best man in all the city, When was a grain of honesty to spare.
Mark me! I to the Counter will commit ye." It happen'd, after prayers, one certain night, “ You! kiss, and so forth. For that never At home he had occasion for a light
If that be all, commit me if you dare; (spare: To turn Socinus, Lessius, Escobar,
No person yet, either through fear or shame, Fam'd Covarruvias, and the great Navarre : Durst commit me, that once had heard my name And therefore, as he from the chapel came, “ Pray then, what is't ?"_“My name's Adultery; Extinguising a yellow taper's flame,
And, faith, your future life would pleasant be,
From London Paul the carrier coming down Paddy with studied gravity replies,
To Wantage, meets a beauty of the town; “ That's as the place or as the matter lies: They both accost with salutation pretty, If from a place unsacred you should take
As, “ How do'st, Paul ?"_" Thank you: aud A sacred thing, this sacrilege would make;
how do'st, Betty ?” Or an unsacred thing from sacred place,
Didst see our Jack, nor sister? No, you're seen, There would be nothing different in the case; I warrant, none but those who saw the queen." But, if both thing and place should sacred be, “ Many words spoke in jest,” says Paul, “ are "Twere height of sacrilege, as doctors all agree.”
true, “ “ Then,” says the doctor, “for more light in I came from Windsor'; and, if some folks knew To put a special case, were not amiss. [this, As much as I, it might be well for you." Suppose a man should take a Common Prayer “ Lord, Paul! what is't?"-"Why give me some Out of a chapel where there's some to spare ?"
thing fort, “ A Common Prayer !” says Paddy,
“ that This kiss; and this. The matter then is short: would be
The parliament have made a proclamation, A sacrilege of an intense degree."
Which will this week be sent all round the nation; “ Suppose that one should in these holidays
That maids with little mouths do all prepare Take thence a bunch of rosemary or bays?” On Sunday next to come before the mayor,
“I'd not be too censorious in that case, And that all bachelors be likewise there : But 'twould be sacrilege still from the place." For maids with little mouths shall, if they please,
“What if a man should from the chapel take From out of these young men choose two apiece." A taper's end : should he a scruple make,
Betty, with bridled chin, extends her face, If homeward to his chambers he should go,
And then contracts her lips with simpering grace, Whether 'twere theft, or sacrilege, or no ?” Cries, “Hem! pray what must all the huge ones do The sly insinuation was perceiv'd :
For husbands, when we little mouths have two?" Says Paddy, “ Doctor, you may be deceiv'd, Unless in cases you distinguish right;
"Where queen Anne and her court frequently But this may be resolv'd at the first sight.
“ Hold, not so fast,” cries he; pray pardon She needed not much courtship to be kind,
He ambles on before, she trots behind; Maids with huge, gaping, wide mouths, must have for little Bobby, to her shoulders bound, tbree."
Hinders the gentle dame from ridding ground. Betty distorts her face with hideous squall, He often ask'd her to expose; but she And mouth of a foot wide begins to bawl,
Still feard the coming of his company. “Oh! ho! is't so? The case is alter'd, Paul. Says she, “I know an unfrequented place, Is that the point? I wish the three were ten; To the left hand, where we our time may pass, I warrant I'd find mouth, if they'll find men.” And the mean while your horse may find some
grass." Thither they come, and both the horse secure;
Then thinks the squire, I have the matter sure. HOLD FAST BELOW.
She's ask'd to sit: but then excuse is made,
“Sitting,” says she, “'s not usual in my trade: There was a lad, th’ unluckiest of his crew,
Should you be rude, and then should throw me Was still contriving something bad, but new.
down, His comrades all obedience to him paid,
I might perhaps break more backs than my own." In executing what designs he laid:
He smiling cries, “Come, I'll the knot untie, 'Twas they should rob the orchard, he'd retire,
And, if you mean the child's, we'll lay it by." His foot was safe whilst theirs was in the fire.
Says she, “ That can't be done, for then 'twill cry. He kept them in the dark to that degree,
I'd not have us, but chiefly for your sake, None should presume to be su wise as he;
Discover'd by the hideous noise 'twould make. But, being at the top of all affairs,
Use is another nature, and 'twould lack, The profit was his own, the mischief theirs.
More than the breast, its custom to the back.” There fell some words made him begin to doubt,
* Then,” says the gentleman, “I should be loth The rogues would grow so wise to find him out;
To coine so far and disoblige you both : He was not pleas'd with this, and so next day
Were the child tied to me, d'ye think, 'twould He cries to them, as going just to play,
Mighty well, sir! Oh, Lord! if tied to you !" “What a rare jack-daw's nest is there! look up,
With speed incredible to work she goes, You see 'tis almost at the steeple's top."
And from her shoulder soon the burthen throws; Ah," says another, “we can have no hope
Then mounts the infant with a gentle toss Of getting thither to 't without a rope."
Upon her generous friend, and, like a cross, Says then the fieering spark, with courteous grin, The sheet she with a dextrous motion winds, By which he drew his infant cullies in;
Till a firm knot the wandering fabric binds. Nothing more easy; did you never see
The gentleman had scarce got time to know How, in a swarm, bees, hanging bee by bee,
What she was doing; she, about to go, Make a long sort of rope below the tree.
Cries, “ Sir, good b'ye; ben't angry that we part, Why mayn't we do the same, good Mr. John ? I trust the child to you with all my heart : For that contrivance pray let me alone.
But, ere you get another, 't'en't amiss
To try a year or two how you'll keep this.”
A parish fam'd, because the men were wise : They hanging down on strength above depend :
Of their own strain they had a teacher sought, Then to himself mutters their trusty friend,
Who all his life was better fed than taught. “ The dogs are almost useless grown to me, It was about a quarter of a year I ne'er shall have such opportunity
Since he had snor'd, and eat, and fatten'd there; To part with them; and so e'en let them go.”
When he the house-keepers, their wives, and all, Then cries aloud, “ So ho! my lads ! so ho!
Did to a sort of parish-meeting call; You're gone, unless ye all hold fast below. They've serv'd my turn, so 'tis fit time to drop In little tiine would turn to all their good. [find,
Promising something, which, well understood, them; The Devil, if he wants them, let him stop them."
When met, he thus harangues : “ Neighbours, I
Most people then their dinners have to seek,
As if'twere not the first day of the week;
But, when you have hash'd meat and nothing more, A GENTLEMAN in hunting rode astray,
You only curse the day that went before. More out of choice, than that he lost his way: On Tuesday all folks dine by one consent, He let his company the hare pursue,
And Wednesdays only fast by parliament, For he himself had other game in view:
But fasting sure by Nature ne'er was meant. A beggar by her trade; yet not so mean, The market will for Thursday find a dish, But that her cheeks were fresh, and linen clean. And Friday is a proper day for fish;
Mistress," quoth he, " and what if we two After fish, Saturday requires some meat; Retire a little way into the wood ?” (shou'd | On Sunday you're obliged by law to treat ;
And the same law ordains a pudding then, My word's a law; when I my power advance, To children grateful, por unfit for men.
There's not a greater monarch ev'n in France. Take hens, geese, turkies, then, or something light, Not the mogul or czar of Muscory, Because their legs, if broild, will serve at night, Not Prester John, or cham of Tartary, And, since I find that roast beet' makes you sleep, Are in their houses monarch more than I. Corn it a little more, and so 'twill keep.
My house my castle is, and here I'm king, Roast it on Monday, pity it should be spoil'd; I'm pope, I'm emperor, monarch, every thing, On Tuesday mutton either roast or boil'd.
What though my wife be partner of my berl, On Wednesday should be some variety,
The monarch's crown sits only on this head.” A loin or breast of veal, and pigeon-pye.
His wife had plaguy ears, as well as tongue, On Thursday each man of his dish make choice, And, hearing all, thought his discoure too long: "Tis fit on market-days we all rejoice.
Her conscience said, he should not tell such lies, And then on Friday, as I said before,
And to her knowledge such; she therefore cries, We'll have a dish of fish, and one dish more. “D'ye hear-you-Sirrah-Monarch-there! On Saturday stew'd beef, with something nice,
come down Provided quick, and toss'd up in a trice,
And grind the coffee—or l'll crack your crocn."
JUST AS YOU PLEASE;
A Virtuoso had a mind to see “ Now for the application, and the use :
One that would never discontented be, I found your care for Sunday an abuse:
But in a careless way to all agree.
He had a servant, much of #sop's kind,
“ Humpus," says he', “I order that you find It is a bitter business to deny;
Out such a man, with such a character, But, who is't cares for fourteen meals a day,
As in this paper now I give you here; As for my own part, I had rather stay,
Or I will lug your ears, or crack your pate, And take them now and then,—and here and Or rather you shall meet with a worse fate, According to my present bill of fare. [there,
For I will break your back, and set you strait. You know I'm single: if you all agree
Bring him to dinner.” Humpus soon withdres, To treat by turns, each will be sure of me.”
Was safe, as having such a one in view The vestry all applauded with a hum,
At Covent Garden dial, whom he found
Who, solitary gaping without care,
Says Humpus, “Sir, my master bade me pray
Your company to dine with him to-day.”
He snuffs; then follows; up the stairs he goes, When the young people ride the Skimmington, Never pulls off his hat, nor cleans his shoes, There is a general trembling in a town:
But, looking round him, saw a handsome room, Not only he for whom the person rides
And did not much repent that he was come; Suffers, but they sweep other doors besides; Close to the fire he draws an elbow-chair, And by tbat hieroglyphic does appear
And, lolling easy, doth for sleep prepare. That the good woman is the master there.
In comes the family, but he sits still, At Jenny's door the barbarous heathens swept, Thinks, “Let them take the other chairs that And his poor wife scolded until she wept;
will !” The mob swept on, whilst she sent forth in vain. The master thus accosts bim, “Sir, you're wet, Her vocal thunder and her briny rain.
Pray have a cushion underneath your feet.” Some few days after, two young sparks came there, Thinks he, “If I do spoil it, need I care? And whilst she does her coffee fresh prepare, I see be has eleven more to spare.” One for discourse of news the master calls,
Dinner's brought up; the wife is bid retreat, Tother on this ungrateful subject falls.
And at the upper end must be bis seat. “ Pray, Mrs. Jenny, whence came this report, “ This is not very usual," thiriks the clown: For I believe there's no great reason for't,
But is not all the family his own? As if the folks t'other day swept your door, And why should I, for contradiction's sake, And half a dozen of your neighbours more?” Lose a good dinner, wbich he bids me take? “ There's nothing in't," says Jenny;“that is done if from this table she discarded be, Where the wife rules, but here I rule alone, What need I care! there is the more for me." And, gentlemen, you'd much mistaken be,
After a while, the daughter's bid to stand, If any one should not think that of me.
And briug him whatsoever he'll command. Within these walls, my suppliant vassals know Thinks he, “ The better from the fairer hand!" What due obedience to their prince they owe, Young master next must rise, to fill him wine, And kiss the shadow of my papal toe.
And starve himself, to see the booby dine:
He does. The father asks, “ What have you for, if burnt milk should to the bottom stick, there?
Like over-heated zeal, 'twould make folks sick, How dare you give a stranger vinegar?”
Into the milk her flour she gently throws,
Thinks the clown, “ That 'twas wine I do be- And seems to want no graces but its own.
When the desert came on, and jellies brought, Which, melting with the heat, its beams displays; Then was the dismal scene of finding fault: From whence it causes, wondrous to behold, They were such hideous, filthy, poisonous stuff, A silver soil bedeck'd with streams of gold ! Could not be rail'd at, nor revengd enough. Humpus was ask'd who made them. Trembling he
II. A HEDGE-HOG AFTER A QUAKING-PUDDING. Said, “Sir, it was my lady gave them me.”
As Neptune, when the three-tongu'd fork he No more such poison shall she ever give,
takes, I'll burn the witch ; 't'ent fitting she should live : With strength divine the globe terrestrial shakes, Set fazeots in the court, l'll make her fry;
The highest hills, Nature's stupendous piles, And pray, good sir, may't please you to be by?” Break with the force, and quiver into isles;
Then, smiling, says the clown, “ Upon my life, Yet on the ruins grow the lofty pines, A pretty fancy this, to burn one's wife!
And snow unmelted in the vallies shines :
The trembling lump, with butter all around,
And yet the tops appear, whilst almonds thick
With bright loaf-sugar on the surface stick. For a dream cometh through the multitude of III. PUDDINGS OF VARIOUS COLOURS IN A DISI. business.
You, painter-like, now variegate the shado, ECCLES. v. 4.
And thus from puddings there's a landscape made.
And Wise and London', when they would dispose
Gives light and shadow as the others want.
IV. MAKING OF A GOOD PUDDING GETS A GOOD THE Aitting dreams, that play before the wind,
HUSBAND. Are not by Heaven for prophesies design'd;
Ye virgins, as these lines you kindly take, Nor by ethereal beings sent us down,
So may you still such glorious pudding make, Bat each man is creator of his own :
That crouds of youth may ever be at strife,
To gain the sweet-composer for his wife!
V. SACK AND SUGAR TO QUAKING-PUDDING. And night repeats the labours of the day.
“Oh, delicious!” But where must our confession first begin,
If sack and sugar once be thought a sin? THE ART OF MAKING PUDDINGS.
VI. BROILED PUDDING.
Hip in the dark, we mortals seldom know I. HASTY PUDDING.
From whence the source of happiness may flow:
Who to broil'd pudding would their thoughts have I sing of food, by British nurse design'd,
bent To make the stripling brave, and maiden kind.
From bright Pewteria's love-sick discontent? Delay not, Muse, in numbers to rehearse
Yet so it was, Pewteria felt love's heat The pleasures of our life, and sinews of our verse. In fiercer flames than those which roast her meat. Let pudding's dish, most wholesome, be thy theme, No pudding's lost, but may with fresh delight And dip thy swelling plumes in fragrant cream. Be either fried next day, or broild at night.
Sing then that dish so fitting to improve
VII. MUTTON PUDDING.
But mutton, thou most nourishing of meat, Suinetimes the frugal matron seems in haste,
Whose single joint? may constitute a treat; Nor cares to beat her pudding into paste:
When made a pudding, you excel the rest
As much as that of other food is best!
The two royal gardeners. KING,
: A loin. KING,