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WIT AND SENTIMENT.

A PARODY.

These girls are all a fleeting show,

For man's illusion given;
Their smiles of joy, their tears of woe,
Deceitful shine, deceitful flow,

There's not one true in seven.

And false's the flash of Beauty's eye,
As fading hues of even-
And love, and laughter, all's a lie;
And hope's awakened but to die,
There's not one true in seven.
Poor mushrooms of a sunny day!
Yet bloom, and be forgiven-
For life's at best a dream-away
Dull, drowsy thought-I'll join the gay,

And romp with all the seven.

A number of military gentlemen, once dined with Col. Gardiner at his own house, when he addressed them with much respect, and begged leave to remind them, that as he was a justice of the peace in that district, he was bound by oath to put the laws against swearing into execution; he therefore entreated them to be on their guard;-only one offended on that day, who immediately paid the penalty, which was given to the poor, with the universal approbation of the company.

ter:

pawns, horses, kings, queens, castles, &c. This high chess-player saved himself the trouble of moving the pieces. At a given signal, the pieces taken made their exit at the door.

Of these proceedings the Emperor got intelligence, and probably, offended by a rich subject out doing him in luxury, he affected to be horribly offended-his own habits gave the lie to this)-at the idea of buying slaves to perform the office of chess-men! He fined master Chun 3,000,000 of taels, and transported him to the black-dragon-river for life, telling him, at the same time, that he ought to be infinitely grateful, that his "brain cup" or (head) was not separated from his shoulders.

[If an Irishman had bought a set of beautiful girls, to be chess men, it would have been called a bull.]

While Col. Crockett was at Washington, with his
daughter, a young gentleman who had been paying
his addresses to her, wrote to him requesting his per
mission that they might be married. The reply of the
Colonel was in the tollowing laconic style :-
"Washington,-

Dear Sir-I received your letter. Go ahead.
DAVID CROCKETT.

COMPLIMENTARY.-A Yankee and an English Captain, each in a schooner, tried their speed in Gibraltar bay, when our countryman beat John Bull all hollow. They met on shore the next day, and the Englishman swore he had never been outsailed before. Just like me,' said Jonathan, 'for my Jemima, never beat nothing afore.'

JOHN WESLEY.-In the early days of Methodism, to discourage pawning, and aid his poorer disciples, he established a fund, termed the "Lending Stock," from which, on security offered, from two to five pounds ANECDOTE. An incident in the infancy of Lady might be obtained for a period of three months. LackOrkney might furnish a hint to a melo-dramatic wri.ington, the celebrated bookseller, and others who rose "The countess, her mother, was deaf and dumb, to great eminence in the commercial world, com and was married by signs. Shortly after the birth of menced their mercantile career by loans from this fund. her first child, (the lady now deceased,) the nurse, with considerable astonishment, saw the mother cautiously approach the cradle in which the infant was sleeping, evidently full of some deep design. The countess, having perfectly assured herself that the child really slept, lifted an immense stone, which she had concealed under her shawl, and to the horror of the nurse, who like all persons of the lower order in the country, was fully impressed with an idea of the peculiar cunning and malignity of "dumbies," lifted it with an evident intent to fling it down vehemently. Before the nurse could interpose, the countess had flung the stone; not, however, as the servant had apprehended, at the child, but on the floor, where, of course, it made a great noise. The child immediately awoke and cried. The countess, who had looked with maternal eagerness to the result of the experiment, fell on her knees in a transport of joy; she had discovered that her child possessed the sense which was wanting in herself. On many other occasions she exhibited similar proofs of intelligence, but none so interesting."

From the Canton Register, December 20. SINGULAR ANECDOTE.-It is well known that the provinces of Shense and Shanse contain some of the most opulent men in China. The natives say, they have money heaped up like mountains. And the chief money lenders in Canton are from these provinces. During the last years of the late Emperor Kerking, a rich widow of the name of Chun, of the district Teayuen-foo, had a son, who went to all lengths in luxury and extravagance. Among other idle pursuits, he was a great chess-player. But chess, on a piece of board, or paper, as the Chinese have it, is a very meagre, though interesting game. Master Chun conceived a new idea. He got a large room painted as a chess board with tables for himself and friend on opposite sides. For chess-men, he purchased a set of beautiful female slaves, dressed them up in various colours, and made them perform, by a signal, the duty of nights,

REVENGE.

A vixen wife who felt the horsewhip's smart,
Ran to her father, begg'd he'd take her part;
"What is your fault," said he: come state the case,"
"I threw some coffee in my husband's face,
For which he beat me!" "Beat you, did he! 'slife!
He beat my daughter! zounds! I'll beat his wife.
If for such faults he gives my daughter pain,
Come but his wife-I'd beat her home again."

A country gentleman was boasting of having been educated at two colleges. You remind me,' said an aged divine,' of a calf that sucked two cows.' "What was the consequence?' said a third person. Why, sir,' replied the old gentleman, very gravely, the consequence was that he was a very great calf.'

A real Jonathan, renowned for his remarkable shrewdness, particularly in taking a hint, being asked why he had relinquished his practice of visiting a certain Miss replied, that the last time he went to see her he was kicked out of the house, "that was hint enough for him."

WOMEN.-The morning star of infancy-the day star of manhood--the evening star of age. Bless our stars! May we always bask in the skyey influence till we are sky-high. [8th of Jan. Toast.

WIT AND SENTIMENT.

CHANGING SHOES-A few days ago an Irish laborer went to buy a pair of shoes, at the same time asking the ball of wax what made them run down on the sides. The shoe maker said, the only thing to prevent it, was to change them every morning. Pat left the shop after purchasing a pair, and the following morning returned; asked for a pair of shoes, tried them on, and (leaving the pair he brought the day before) was proceeding out of the shop, without further notice, when the shoemaker called to him to know what he was doing, telling him, at the same time, that he had forgotten to pay for the shoes he had just bought. And is it what I am doing, you ask? am I not doing what you told me, yesterday-changing my shoes every morning."

WARRANTED GENUINE-As a worthy clergyman was gravely dispensing the words of life to an attentive audience, he was observed suddenly to laugh. This levity appearing to be an indignity offered to the people, as well as very unbecoming the character and office of the speaker, he was subsequently called to an account. In his defence, he said he was very sorry for the misdemeanor, nevertheless he could not help it-il would laugh. He then stated, that while he was preaching, a man came in who had the misfortune to have his cranium ensconced in hair of a glowing red colour, and took his seat near the pulpit. Soon after a sailor entered and proceeded leisurly up the aisle, until he came to the bench immediately behind the red haired gentleman, whereon he took his seat. Mistak ing, perhaps, the head before him for the open door of a stove, containing a goodly quantity of stone coal, fully ignited, and sending forth its bright and genial rays, and his thoughts absorbed in the eloquence and subject of the speaker, he had not been seated many minutes, before he was observed to be holding his hands both up together, as if in the act of warming them, against the red head of the gentleman before him.-to the no small amusement of those around, and to the complete upsetting of the gravity of the clergyman.

He humbly trusted that the cause of his laughing was a sufficient excuse. Of course it may be readily supposed that he was at once acquitted, after enjoying a hearty laugh together with his accusers.

X. X.

YANKEESMS.-We extract from the comedy of the "Green Mountain Boy," a small portion of a sprightly dialogue:

Homebred-Where's the squire?

know?

Wilkins-Find out? would you have me tell you all Homebred.-Well, I guess that wouldn't take you long! Wilkins.--You grow impertinent; if you don't leave shall kick you, sir.

Homebred.--Kick me, will you? well, talking is talking; but do you think you could dew it?

Wilkins.--Really this is not to be borne! who are you, Bir? and who is your father?

287

ROMANTIC PASSION.--A French gentleman, M. Bussieres de Chalabre, lately died at Paris, bequeathing the whole of his large fortune to the celebrated French actress, Mademoiselle Mars. It appears that twelve years since, this lady inspired him with a violent attachment, which he expressed to her in letters that were returned to him without notice. Long silence followed this attempt to open a correspondence, and it seemed to be forgotten, when the gallant gentleman, on alighting one day from his carriage in the Place des Victoires, broke his leg. It would naturally be supposed that he would wish, under such circum stances, to receive surgical assistance as expeditiously as possible, but this was not the case. He forbade any one to touch him, and sent to Mlle. Mars an account of his misfortune, stating that he would be removed and attended only by the medical gentleman of the great actress. The latter, at once astonished and gneved, immediately went to her friend, Baron Dupuytren, briefly related the adventure, and requested him to attend the patient immediately. The doctor hastened to the spot. M. de Chalabre was then put on a bed in the coffee house, at the corner of the rue de la Feuillade, where his leg was set, and after being removed to his hotel, he soon recovered. This curious circumstance was followed by a fresh silence on his part, and oblivion on that of Mile. Mars, which continued until his death. On opening his will, it was discovered that he had bequeathed Mille. Mars the whole of his fortune.

A wine merchant once left a suspected assistant in his cellar, and said to him, "Now, lest you should drink the wine while I am away, I will chalk your mouth so that I may know it." He then rubbed his nail across the man's lips, and pretended to leave the mark of chalk on them.The man drank of the wine, and to be even with his master, chalked his mouth, and thus discovered himself.

SOMETHING IN A NAME-A professor of Alma Mater having purchased a horse for the purpose of taking a long projected journey into Wales, wishing to give his Bucephalus a classical name and applied to a friend for a symbolical appellation. "Call him Graphy," said his friend"Graphy!" exclaimed the astonished professor," what the devil do you think I am going to write upon his back?" "Pahaw!" replied the collegian, "the name is quite applicable: first, you purchase the horse, and that's the by-ography; secondly, you mount him, and that's the top-oIgraphy; and lastly, you make your journey, and that's

ge-o-graphy."

"Am I half way to
A traveller on horseback meeting a spalpeen, asked him,
town!" "Please yer wurship."
said the boy, "do I know where you cum frum!"

ENGLAND AND AMERICA.--Blackwood's Magazine, speakthis country and those of Great Britain, has the following ing of the petty jealousies that exist between the people of Homebred.Who is my father? My father was the first amusing paragraph:-"England and America are two fine inventor of thrashing machines. I am the first of his make, women-and not only so, but they are mother and daughand can be set in operation at a very little expense, and atter. England is fat, fair, and forty, fit for the arms of a the shortest notice! so look out." King. America is in her teens, and a morsel for a Presi dent. As long as they pursue each her own path, and are proud. each of her own lord or lover, both can bear, without any painful uneasiness, the thought of each other's beauty, and smilingly blow kisses from their hands across the Atlantic. Yet 'twould be too much to expect, that when they speak of each other's charms, they should always select the most seducing; that when they touch on each other's defeats, they should point to the least promninent. 'Tis not in nature."

His description of his newly invented machine seemed to tickle his audience amazingly. In this machine, he says, "you drive a hog into the centre of it; set the screws going, and it will produce ready made sausages from one end, and patent scrubbing brushes from the other."

A SYSTEMATIC READER.-A Highlander laird, living in a remote district, but withal a staunch polititian, took the London Courier; but, as the post only visited him once a week, he always got six Couriers at a time. He read these papers in regular succession, one every day, but never more, in order that he might thus have the stimulus of a daily newspaper. So rigid was he in this admirable rule that if a debate did not terminate in the paper where it was commenced, he has often been observed to remark that he longed much for next morning, so anxious was he to learn the result of the discussion.--Caledonian Mercu ry.

A French traveller puts us down for the cleanest people upon the face of the earth; for, said he, "their very capitol is called Washingtown

A KNOWING LAD.-A schoolmaster in Connecticut, while examining a boy from Rhode Island, in his catechism, asked the following question:--" How many Gods are there?" The boy, after scratching his head some time, replied, "I don't know how many you've got in Connecticut--but we have none in Rhode Island."

An Irish drummer, whose round and rosy cheeks gave notice that he now and then indulged in a noggin of right good poteen, was accosted by the inspecting general, What makes your face so red, sir?" "Plaze your honour," replied Pat, "I always blushes when I spake to a Gineral officer."

L